The two wives debated the extent to which Mother’s Day was a means for people who love each other to express their feelings or yet further evidence of institutionalized sexism within our great nation’s borders.
“Frankly, we at Nature Valley find this behavior a violation of our product, and Torrey’s eating habits in no way reflect the kind of consumer we wish to attract,” said John Baringer, president of public relations at Nature Valley. “Seriously, what a goddamn ape.”
Davenport insisted that he was not wearing the pirate hat because the movie he was watching was about pirates. “I AM a pirate,” said Davenport. “I wear this hat all the time!”
Haze’s Grade-A video production talents, sophisticated eloquence and thoughtful comments made him an ideal candidate for the position, in addition to his strong social media presence and Vine game.
The “Passover Bunny” was designed to capture the joy of hunting for colorful Easter eggs while remembering the blood, sweat and tears of one’s ancestors.
“I had been planning to slack off the rest of my time here,” said McIntosh. “But when I saw that sign, I realized I need to take responsibility for my own life.”
Siri is confident she can win this landmark case, striking a blow against Siri-abusers everywhere.
The report noted that “fewer American children than ever before can solve a problem like those typically found in the textbook of a standard graduate-level course in mathematics or chemistry.”
This new law is only one in an epidemic of legislation protecting your personal space at the expense of your freedom to give your younger siblings noogies.
Since NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio earned the condemnation of millions of New Yorkers for eating pizza with a fork and knife, he has been on a quest to redeem himself as the champion of the middle class.