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Category Archives: Opinion

I Don’t Agree with Markwell: Fraiche Cinnamon Bombs are Delicious

April 23, 2012 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

Our campus exploded with debate this week over the “I agree with Markwell” campaign that was chalked across the sidewalks. While I believe that Markwell certainly has some valid points regarding theism and divinity, we must also consider that Fraiche Café’s Cinnamon Bomb cupcakes are delicious. Perhaps Jesus Christ can lead me to an afterlife of eternal happiness, but each Cinnamon Bomb leads me to spice rack nirvana when it explodes with flavorful holiness in my mouth. And He can

Where Are They Now?: The Fucksaw

February 29, 2012 Sam Block

This report continues our series “Where Are They Now?” This week’s installment was written by Northwestern’s infamous Fucksaw. By The Fucksaw Hey, it’s nice to see you all again. I’ve been pretty busy. In and out, you know. As I always say, when life gives you lemons, penetrate them. I’ll be frank with you. I wasn’t that happy with how they treated me in the media, being new to Northwestern and all. It was like all these parents spending $200,000

Non-Greek Night: A Live Blog

February 8, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

5:52 PM – Weekend time! Got my midterms behind me and an awesome weekend with absolutely zero responsibility ahead of me! Time to celebrate! Whooooooo! 6:23 PM – Celebrating with Hot Cookie Bar at Allison! God damn that tastes good! This is what college is all about, right here! Who needs the Greek system anyways? 7:13 PM – Just getting a little History homework out of the way, then it’s party time! 7:56 PM – Here we go! Swiped a

Read more Articles, Local, No. 74, Opinion

SOPA Uproar Leads Area Man to Discover Internet for First Time

January 30, 2012 Chandler Dutton Leave a comment

A special editorial from area man Bob McCulloghy So this past Sunday night, I was flipping through the most recent issue of Life Magazine, watching some good ole’ public broadcast television – and I heard about this SOPA thing. Barbara Calhoun was reporting that if SOPA happened, this thing called ‘The Internet’ would start getting regulated by the government. Now I’m not normally one to judge the government – they’ve never done anything to me. Every day, I wake up

10 Points for Hufflepuff: A Magical Account of a Freshman’s Halloween Night

November 2, 2011 Gideon Resnick Leave a comment

The following document was discovered on the bathroom floor of the North-Mid Quads Hall on the morning of November 1, 2011. Written in a hurried scrawl on parchment, our editors did their best to decipher the piece, allegedly written after the local Psi-Phi Fraternity’s themed party: I think the scar really did the trick. Through the glow of the club lights, I could tell Beth was down for some snogging. We locked eyes from across the room, she in her

Girl In 6 Courses Dreads CAESAR Above All Else

May 18, 2011 Michael Davis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – With only several weeks before Spring quarter finals, some students are beginning to feel the pressure to perform well on final exams before the summer begins. However, this is not the case for Cynthia Tan, who will be finishing her second year in electrical engineering and is currently part of the BS/MS program. Though her two weeks in June are packed with exams and papers for the six courses she has been juggling throughout the quarter, Tan anticipates

I Still Can’t Believe You Never Found Those Emails

May 18, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

By Richard M. Daley, Former Mayor of Chicago First, I need to thank the journalists. Your utter complacency and lack of fortitude has allowed me to complete my 22-year tenure without a single earth-shattering revelation of absolute corruption or depravity that could have marred this otherwise immaculate career. I mean, fuck, people! This is Illinois! This is Chicago! I bought out the last honest politician twenty years ago! Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been skimming funds since day one, but you’re

Read more Articles, No. 60, Opinion, Politics

A Somali Man to America: “Cheer Up!”

April 28, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

This article was written by Aden Daar, a Somali villager. I was rummaging through the town landfill this morning, looking for some food for today’s meal, when I came across a copy of last week’s New York Times. I saw an article describing how Americans were sad. It said something about rising gas prices, unemployment, a government in disagreement, etc etc etc etc etc. Let me tell you something, America. CHEER UP! Who am I, you might ask, to order

Read more Articles, No. 57, Opinion, World

Point-Counterpoint: The Royal Wedding

April 28, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

Why Do Brits Love Their Royal Family? By Andrew Schneider Seems I can’t take three steps these days without someone running their yap about the royal wedding. It could just be that I consider myself a true American, with apple pie in my gut and cholesterol in my veins, but I have a truly difficult time giving any sort of a flying fuck about this wedding. Hell, I can’t even stand weddings for people I know, but for whatever reason

Read more Articles, No. 57, Opinion, World

How do I get off of this Listserv?

April 13, 2011 Alex Chudler Leave a comment

Seriously, how can I get off this thing? I’ve been getting these emails for like six months now ever since I put my name on some list at the events fair. I’ve never even been to an Outing Club meeting. I mean sure, rock climbing and kayaking sound great, but I just don’t have time for this stuff. How can I take my name off the list? I just don’t understand why I’m still on it. Don’t they, like, go