The Early Admit probably bleeds purple, but not in the metaphorical school spirit kind of way; she actually may have ingested something to alter the pigment of her innards (her skin looks weird).
EVANSTON — When she first heard about Northwestern’s donor week, Weinberg freshman Susan Hamilton was excited about the recognition she thought she’d receive for her active participation in school blood drives. However, she was dismayed to find about that donor week was not, in fact, about those who have donated blood, but about those who donated money to the school. “How selfish can this university be?” exclaimed Hamilton. “I’m pretty sure blood donations have done much more for the world
EVANSTON — Everyone at Chris Collins’ press conference was waiting to ask the obvious question: what will he do to improve NU basketball’s CTECs? Coach Bill Carmody, who was fired after thirteen years of employment, saw the reported amount of time in practice drop dramatically on his CTECs, as well as low ratings for stimulating interest in the subject and overall rating of the instruction. For years, players have had plenty of time to fill out their basketball CTECs, since
LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY — Citing huge untapped markets in the lucrative “Human Rights Abuses” subfield of their R&D division, pharmaceutical giant Bayer announced today that it would resume production of Cyanide-based gas Zyklon B, 57 years after former chairman Fritz ter Meer was convicted of slavery and mass murder charges for his collaboration with Nazi officials. Company spokesman Jonas Trumbauer delivered the news to investors as part of the company’s quarterly financial call: “Recent developments in Syria and North Korea have
CHICAGO — Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler stunned the seventy people who follow the NFL in the off-season when he announced his retirement at a surprise press conference. “It’s time for me to move on,” said the disgruntled quarterback. “I’m tired of getting sacked by Clay Matthews and Ndamukong Suh. I’m tired of throwing interceptions. I’m tired of having my toughness questioned, of being called weak.” Cutler said he plans to pursue his other dream job. “Being a starting NFL
Fidel Castro – Hugo was a dear comrade of mine in the struggle against the tyranny of the United States. I recall many a time when he would come to Cuba for “cancer treatment,” and we would demonize the rich for hours.
With finals approaching, it is best to be prepared for all the students you will encounter when you return to the library for the first time since your last round of finals. The Flipside has therefore prepared a guide to dealing with the diverse students who frequent Mudd Library. The Ninja: He scowls when you breathe too loudly. He is furious when you crinkle your granola bar wrapper. He will death stare you for typing too loudly. This is his
OSHKOSH, WI — After running a full battery of tests on competitors at the World Ice Fishing Championship at the Big Eau Pleine Reservoir near Wausua, Wisconsin last week, World Anti-Doping Agency officials made a trip two hours southeast to the Oshkosh Elementary School Third Grade Spelling Bee to test contestants for a similar array of performance enhancing substances. “For a long time, we figured the only athletes who would use performance enhancing drugs would be like, you know, actual
CARACAS, VENEZUELA — Former NBA star Dennis Rodman teared up earlier today during a press conference, revealing the deep personal connections he had with the late Hugo Chavez, the former President of Venezuela. “I’m at a loss for words right now,” Rodman said between sniffles. “I used to travel to Venezuela every summer so Hugo and I could play golf. He was a great leader, and more importantly a great friend.” Chavez and Rodman’s relationship was based on a deep
By My Angry Feminist Roommate OH. EM. GEE. You guys (actually, that phrase is SO non-gender-neutral and totally misogynistic). You students, both female and male, who happen to be reading this well-informed and non-biased feature, Sandra Fluke is here. At Northwestern. OMG. She’s here RIGHT. NOW. Like I’m literally in the second row of Fisk 217 and I can see her. It’s like I’m BATHING in women’s liberation. I’m more excited than a gay stoner enjoying Denver’s most charming all-you-can-eat