Category Archives: Articles

Utah Admits to Not Counting Presidential Election Ballots

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SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Officials from Utah admitted yesterday that they entirely skipped counting the ballots from last week’s general election. Instead of tallying the votes, the Office of Lieutenant Governor, which handles elections in the Beehive State, admitted to just making up numbers that add up to rough estimates of voter turnout. Major news outlets first noticed discrepancies when election projections were made seconds after polls closing with no precincts actually reporting. These discrepancies went largely unnoticed when

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Sororities Raise Standards on Preview Day

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EVANSTON — Northwestern’s Panhellenic Association made changes to the sorority recruitment process prior to Preview Day this Sunday. Delta Delta Delta Delta Chapter President Kate Denning said, “More and more girls are going Greek, and chapters are changing how they look at their future sisters. Ten years ago, even a brunette would get a bid from Quad-Delt, but now that approximately 40% of girls here are Greek, we’re raising our standards.” Sororities are adding new elements to the rush process,

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Premed Still Unsure Who Won Election

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SOMEWHERE DEEP WITHIN THE RECESSES OF TECH — After spending all of Tuesday night in Tech Library studying for his Orgo midterm, freshman Justin Forster emerged earlier today completely unaware of who won the presidential election. “Oh shit,” said a disheveled Forster when reached for comment. “I-I guess I was so worried about [studying] that I just completely forgot [the election] was happening. I’m not even sure how long I’ve been in there for.” Forster went on to explain that

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Student Groups Reject Study Suggesting Sidewalk Flyers are Ineffective

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EVANSTON — A Psychology Department study shocked Northwestern student groups this week with the controversial claim that taping advertisements to the ground is not an effective way to market a club, cause, or event. For decades now, Northwestern students have been paving sidewalks with flimsy, exposed, and flamboyant pieces of paper. For the first time in Northwestern history, students are questioning the status quo and boldly considering whether they should continue to litter the streets with their short-lived posters. Some

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Study: 70 Percent of Off-Campus Fraternity Members Malnourished

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EVANSTON — One anthropologist and one Greek professor announced Tuesday that a four-year study shockingly revealed that 70 percent of off-campus fraternity members were severely malnourished. Their vitamin intake compared closely with the average citizen of Zambia, according to the study. “We had no idea it was this bad,” said anthropology professor Ben Harris. “It was as if they had not learned anything about caring for themselves since exiting the womb.” According to the study, most subjects, around noon and

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Disney Freezes Harrison Ford

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BURBANK, CA — The Walt Disney Corporation has announced that it has cryogenically frozen Harrison Ford–who portrayed Han Solo in the popular Star Wars series–in preparation for the next Star Wars movie. Robert Goldberg, a Disney executive, said in a press conference, “While Ford is a great actor, we couldn’t ignore his old age, and since we don’t want him to die on us before we start the filming process, we went ahead with the procedure.” Fans of the Star

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Nation Glad To Go Back To Not Giving A Shit About Ohio

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COLUMBUS, OH — After an eternity of acting like the state actually matters, Americans are relieved that they are once again able to completely disregard Ohio. Due to its electoral significance, pundits, candidates, and campaigns had descended on the cultural wasteland, attempting to woo the votes of disappointed Browns and Bengals fans in every county, and bringing it to the forefront of the media’s eye for the past several months. Privately, however, campaigns had expressed dissatisfaction with their Ohio operations.

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President Obama Pledges to Eradicate Face AIDS

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ATLANTA, EVANSTON, and DES MOINES — An anonymous Northwestern student-watchdog group has alerted the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) about a potentially deadly disease called “Face AIDS.” According to the a statement from the CDC, the previously unknown disease has in the last month spread all over the Northwestern campus. Little is known about the disease, but already an awareness campaign has started in the form of flyers around the campus, prompting the CDC to advise: “At this point, there

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Candidates Agree To Scrap Electoral College for Dick Measuring Contest

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WASHINGTON — Despite a year of campaigning, with Election Day here, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney have decided to settle who will win the Presidency the way real men do: a cock-off. While usually a means of settling bar bets, dick measuring is not foreign to the political sphere. In fact, cock fighting was used to determine the winner in a hotly contested battle for Congress in the 19th Century, in what historians now refer to as the Cumgressional Race

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Obama-Bloomberg Friendship on the Rocks after Tepid Endorsement

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NEW YORK CITY — New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg publically endorsed President Obama last Thursday, saying the effects of Hurricane Sandy reshaped his thinking of the presidential campaign. While many Democrats welcomed the New York mayor’s support, Obama was less than enthusiastic about the statement. The implication that Bloomberg was previously unsure of his vote, or even possibly considering to vote for the Romney/Ryan ticket, definitely shook their friendship to its very core. An inside source told The Flipside, “Barack

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