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Obama Implores Americans to Temporarily Halt New Jersey Jokes

November 4, 2012 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

HOBOKEN, NJ — This week, after Hurricane Sandy flattened the Jersey Shore, President Obama kindly requested that Americans stop making “Jersey” jokes for at least a week. “Out of respect for our fellow citizens in this time of crisis, I implore you all to stop making fun of New Jersey. Stop making fun of their terrible and confusing highway system. Stop making fun of the fact that the only thing in Newark that’s growing is the crime rate. Stop making

“Homeless Joe” Definitely Going To Rush

November 4, 2012 Ben Castleman Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern fraternities have recently begun their weekly tradition of Sunday night dinners, and hundreds of freshman have attended to get free food and flirt with frat brothers. The race for bids has begun, and one freshman has emerged as the top recruit. Nicknamed “Homeless Joe,” this enterprising, genial, and most of all hungry freshman has been sighted at nearly every single frat and dinner. Reports say Joe usually arrives at the frats alone, but he does bring his

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Sorority’s BYE Game Tailgate a “Big Success”

November 3, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Delta Delta Delta Delta reported to The Flipside that their tailgate before Saturday’s football game was a “big success.” Chapter president Andrea Gulotta bubbled, “There were so many people there! We had some drinks, played a little catch, grilled on the porch. We sure showed BYE that the Wildcats are for real this year. Go ‘Cats!” Although Gulotta was unable to recall the exact score of the game—she said she left Ryan Field around halftime—she was sure Northwestern

Romney Appeals to Undecided NU Voters by Promising to Open Frontera Fresco Before the Election

November 3, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON — With only days remaining until the election, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney stood outside Norris University Center and promised Northwestern students he would ensure Frontera Fresco opened before Election Day. “I’m a businessman,” Romney said. “I know how create jobs in this country and I’ll do it here, with Frontera Fresco.” “Construction jobs,” he added. “Do those count as manufacturing?” Explaining the delays in construction, Sodexo claimed they had not realized students would be returning to school as early

Facing Extinction, Last Remaining SESP Students Placed Into Protective Captivity

November 2, 2012 Matt Clarkston Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Confronting ever-dwindling numbers, School of Education and Social Policy Dean Penelope Peterson decided on Friday to transfer all remaining students into sheltered habitats. Despite being the most transferred-into school at Northwestern, the number of SESP students has dropped to a dangerous low; experts say the rare breed is now critically endangered. The decision was spurred by widespread reports of legitimate colleges “poaching” SESP students. Northwestern ecologist and activist Brenda Grombel described the situation, “What these people do is

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New Student Declares Ridiculous Majors Just to Sound Smart

November 2, 2012 Matt Ferro Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Ramon Gonzalez, a previously an undecided Weinberg freshman, has declared a triple major in Nanoscale Physics, Mathematics, and Euphonium Performance. In addition, he has declared a minor in Chinese Language and Culture and intends to pursue the Integrated Marketing Communications Certificate from Medill. According to reports, Gonzalez chose this path in order to sound more intelligent than his peers even though he most likely is not. Ramon stated, “I was tired of going to frat parties and to

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Student Sentiment Divided Over New College Sweatshirt Ban

November 1, 2012 Eric Vanchieri Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern students and faculty received an emergency campus alert Tuesday from President Schapiro that stated, “As of November 1, 2012, students will no longer be permitted to wear college sweatshirts or any other apparel that displays the name of any school in the top 50 of US News & World Report’s annual college rankings, excluding Northwestern.” General student sentiment indicates a clear divide between former early decision and regular decision applicants. “ZOMG, Morty is actually a god. Like, finally

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Tennessee Freshman Learns True Meaning of Halloween

October 31, 2012 Caroline Picard One comment

EVANSTON — Bienen Freshman Tricia Williams, originally from Maryville, Tennessee, recently learned the true meaning of Halloween. After talking to some students from the Chicago area (really Wilmette and Naperville), Williams was shocked to buy priligy online without prescription learn that her previous beliefs about Halloween were absolutely and completely wrong. She said, “I thought costumes were about being someone other than yourself. Instead of just asking, ‘What are you going to be?’ people here ask, ‘How much clothing are

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Police Arrest ‘78 Alumna for “Tryna Get Shwasty” at Homecoming

October 30, 2012 Rachel Leshin Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Eileen Schneider, WCAS ’78, was arrested this weekend for belligerent behavior and public indecency during a homecoming event on Deering Meadow, according to new reports from the Evanston Police Department. She had been yelling obscenities across the meadow and flashing gentlemen coming in and out of Kellogg. Schneider was stunned by her arrest and by the harsh campus rules that have “poisoned this university.” “I was just tryna get a little shwasty up on Sheridan,” Schneider said as

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History Teacher a Real Dickwad for Scheduling Test the Monday after Halloween Weekend

October 29, 2012 Clare Roth Leave a comment

By Harry Barbash, Sophomore Economics Major What the fuck, Professor Donaghy? Do you have any idea what happened this last weekend? You think there was time to study for a midterm about the Celts in the 11th century? Because there sure as shit was not. Let’s start with the obvious. Halloween is the peak time for drunken revelry. Halloween just sweetens the crowded-apartment-party pot. Hookups become even more anonymous as you grind up on whatever masked person’s behind you. Alcohol