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Eeyore Killed in House Collapse

February 29, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

THE HUNDRED ACRE WOOD, EAST SUSSEX, ENGLAND – The Lewes Police Force reported Tuesday that Eeyore, the lugubrious but beloved stuffed donkey best known through his acquaintance with Edward Bear (colloquially known as “Winnie-the-Pooh”), was found dead Tuesday. Eeyore, seen at right in a 2003 picture, was 85 years old. Constable Henry Anderson discovered the body under a pile of logs after the Lewes Police received a 999 call from Mr. Pooh. “It was a grisly sight,” shuddered Anderson. “His

Where Are They Now?: The Fucksaw

February 29, 2012 Sam Block

This report continues our series “Where Are They Now?” This week’s installment was written by Northwestern’s infamous Fucksaw. By The Fucksaw Hey, it’s nice to see you all again. I’ve been pretty busy. In and out, you know. As I always say, when life gives you lemons, penetrate them. I’ll be frank with you. I wasn’t that happy with how they treated me in the media, being new to Northwestern and all. It was like all these parents spending $200,000

Silent Film Star Fails to Accept Award Silently, Oscar Retracted

February 29, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

The audience at the ceremony watched in shock as the supposed Frenchman bellowed his acceptance speech and proclaimed his JOIE DE VIVRE! to the very rafters of the Kodak Theater in what can only be described as a Brooklyn accent.

Greece Produces More Gyros, Not Enough Euros

February 22, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

In a recent miscommunication, Greece sent 100,000 gyros to Germany to avoid debt default. After confusing the delicious pita wraps for the currency, the Greeks remain unashamed.

Local Middle School Holds “Stand Awkwardly in the Corner” Marathon

February 22, 2012 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A local Evanston middle school has issued its response to Northwestern’s Dance Marathon. With the fundraiser right around the corner, the school board has decided to organize a Stand-Awkwardly-In-The-Corner Marathon to benefit the B+ Foundation. This esteemed charity, chosen by the local PTA, helps fund childhood cancer research, a cause the middle schoolers described as “ugh, whatever, mom.” Students were asked to raise money for the charity but fundraising efforts were minimal as the participants prepared for the

New CTEC Categories to Include Quality of Rec Letters, BS Tolerance

February 22, 2012 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Recent aesthetic changes to the Course and Teacher Evaluation Council (CTEC) will be followed up with entirely new categories at the end of Winter quarter, according to one Registrar administrator. “We were getting complaints from the students that teachers and classes weren’t accurately reflected by prior CTEC scores,” Alice Andrews told Flipside reporters. “We submitted a survey to a good portion of the student body and will soon add new categories that better reflect what NU students look

ESPN Adds Department Devoted Exclusively to Morally Questionable Commentary

February 22, 2012 Dan Lesser Leave a comment

BRISTOL, CT – ESPN, cornerstone of respectable sports media that it is, has succeeded in maintaining a level of support for recent phenom Jeremy Lin that accurately represents Americans’ appetite for poorly disguised stereotyping. This success can be attributed to ESPN’s recent decision to take on analysts specializing in commentary that has just the right amount of political correctness. Said one of the new ESPN employees, “Lin was a perfect candidate because, well, let’s face it, he’s really only slightly

Obama’s Plan to Grow Handlebar Mustache Meets Quick GOP Backlash

February 22, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama unveiled Tuesday a dramatic new vision for the future of his facial hair. Standing imperially at a podium in the East Room of the White House, Obama announced to the nation, “Today, my face is clean-shaven; my mustache is nonexistent. America, I have decided that this is unacceptable. I have grown the economy the past few years, creating hundreds of thousands of jobs. But I have created nothing on my upper lip. This will all

Aging Obama Makes White House Wheelchair Friendly

February 22, 2012 Dan Lesser Leave a comment

Washington – The only thing more obvious than President Barack Obama’s high probability of being re-elected in November is the gray hair he has grown in recent months. With certain victory ahead, Obama will need to retool the White House if he hopes to live through four more years of a grueling presidency. In a 60 Minutes segment, a visibly tired Obama panted to a reporter, “I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m going to be re-elected – I mean,

Where Are They Now: Northwestern Freshmen on Monday Night

February 22, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

The library Dave and Busters Wash. U. Founding a pessimism club Swimming in the ice rink Lodge Crepe Bistro happy hour