Exclusive Look at Japan: The Movie
Who better to formulate characters, plot and emotional tension than beloved renaissance filmmaker Michael Bay?
Category Archives: Articles
Wide Receiver Brandon Marshall To Be Cut Twice
MIAMI – Star wide receiver Brandon Marshall may be cut twice in the span of a week. The first cut occurred seven days ago when his wife stabbed him in a domestic dispute. Several days after the incident, rumors began circulating that the Miami Dolphins would release him from the team. The move was quite unexpected considering how Marshall had been carving up the opposition last season. “The way he was knifing in between those safeties was downright impressive,” according
Bailey to Teach Introduction to the Unspeakably Obscene
The professor seeks “to open up a mature, academic dialogue about uncommon sexual practices . . . so blood-curdlingly unnatural they make Two Girls One Cup look like a Disney movie.”
Sex Week Paves Way for Abortion Month
EVANSTON – Resident sexual deviance advocate J. Michael Bailey was very proud of the student body for touching itself all last week. “Really, I am just so proud that the students of Northwestern could focus a week of their school year on something that I have held so close to my heart for my entire life. It’s a wonder to hear about the young people learning and trying new things, like experimenting with flavored lubricants, studded collars and low-voltage tasers.”
Everyone’s Favorite Pokemon Trainer Elected as ASG Vice President
EVANSTON – The Northwestern University student body recently elected Austin Young as 2011-12 President of the Associated Student Government (ASG). Young ostensibly garnered many votes because of his chosen running mate, the popular Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town. While Austin vocally supported policies including better communication between ASG members and the implementation of systems designed to make students’ voices heard, Ash ran on the platform of dissolving the Team Rocket fan club and allowing all students to select Pikachu as
Pacers More or Less Up 2-0 on Bulls
“If the NBA just added spirit points, I think we could be officially winning this series.”
NU Apologizes to Blind Students in Email
EVANSTON – A lawsuit was filed against Northwestern University last March by a group of blind students. The students claimed that the University was discriminating against blind students by using a Google email client that is not fully compatible with text-to-speech software. Last week, Northwestern administrators apologized to the blind students in an email sent out to the Students With Disabilities listserv. Below is the text of that email. from: uservices@northwestern.edu <uservices@northwestern.edu> to: SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu <SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu> date: Fri, Mar. 15, 2011
eduHookups poll
How do I get off of this Listserv?
Seriously, how can I get off this thing? I’ve been getting these emails for like six months now ever since I put my name on some list at the events fair. I’ve never even been to an Outing Club meeting. I mean sure, rock climbing and kayaking sound great, but I just don’t have time for this stuff. How can I take my name off the list? I just don’t understand why I’m still on it. Don’t they, like, go
Fermilab Finds New Elementary Particle
BATAVIA, IL – Last Thursday, Fermilab researchers announced that after smashing a lot of things together moving really really fast, they finally discovered a new fundamental particle. Scientists have decided to call the particle a “brickon.” “At first we didn’t know what to make of this particle,” said Fermilab scientist Carl Jacobs. “In the past, we have observed entities that look like larger, differently colored versions of brickons, but this is the first time we have truly observed the particle