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[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Middle-school clique misses entire point of Mean Girls

February 14, 2011 Clare Roth Leave a comment

[by Cla4732] In a terrific display of sarcasm malfunction, Evanston Middle’s most famous clique, insipidly self-named the Deadly Sins, failed to understand the moral behind Mean Girls and undertook the task of making every mistake the titular characters did. After watching Mean Girls for the 9th time following the dance and the requisite hour of IMing boys, the girls decided to model themselves after the characters that the creators of the movie intended to portray as horrible people. Kelsi (Wrath)

Northwestern Trades Morty to Egypt for Mubarak and 2nd Round Pick

February 12, 2011 Michael Anders Leave a comment

Looking to give its team a spark before the 2012 US News and World Report Tournament, Northwestern has traded President Morty Shapiro to Egypt for President Hosni Mubarak and a 2nd-round pick in this year’s draft. There are reports of cash considerations being included in Egypt’s package to NU as well. Since Morty arrived in 2009, Northwestern has made the tournament in each of his two years at the school but has yet to advance past the first round. Last

NU Males to Completely Fuck Up Valentine’s Day

February 9, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

As of press time, Barish is still trying to pick out a convenience store card that exactly expresses his true feelings.

Yes, Sorority Risk Manager is a Real Position

February 9, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

Hello! I am here today to clear up some misconceptions about sorority risk managers!! First, it is not simply an ironic title. There are risks. I have to remind the girls living in the house to come down for dinner. It is true, however, that most sororities have given up making sisters eat for lunch. Second, I make sure the shower temperature doesn’t fluctuate as wildly as Luka Mirkovic’s game-to-game performance. I also manage the risk of the spreading of

Words Can Bring Down Ex-Teen Pop Sensation

February 9, 2011 Tom Shimandle Leave a comment

“The only logical conclusion is that this woman is a member of a domestically based terrorist cell”

Winter’s Bone First Porno Nominated for Best Picture

February 9, 2011 Jay Calhoun One comment

Winter’s Bone: 2/4 star-shaped pasties Winter’s Bone tells the story of a teenage girl trying to find her daddy to save her house. Yeah, thats right, who’s your daddy, girl. Great start. Then some shit happens and a cop comes. This is where you expect it to start getting heavy, right? Nope! Instead of ripping off his uniform and taking her “downtown,” he just warns her that her dad needs to show up to court. Ok, so when’s the winter bone going

Man Takes Girlfriend on Romantic Date to See Blue Valentine

February 9, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON, IL– With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, Romeo Smith knew he had to do something special for his new girlfriend, Rosalin Jones. “You know, it’s the beginning,” he very aptly told Flipside, “she hasn’t even slept with me yet, so I know I can’t slack yet. She’s pretty classy, so I knew I had to find something, you know, romantic to do.” He considered a big box of chocolates, but decided against it because Romeo wanted Rosalin to

Best Ways to Win GREEN CUP 2011

February 9, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON – This list of sure-to-win strategies was compiled from an old book found in the Willard basement. Don’t shower. Who cares what the kids in your classes say? And if your roommate will agree to that too, neither of you will notice the smell after a while. If you absolutely feel the need to shower, do it in another dorm. If you get someone to let you in, be sure to let the water for as long as possible.

10 Things Worse than the Cleveland Cavaliers (two takes)

February 9, 2011 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

Take One: Joe Misulonas 10. Fred Armisen’s impersonation of Barack Obama on Saturday Night Live– Just because you speak with a staccato doesn’t make it a Barack Obama impersonation. Neither does dressing in blackface, which I had to learn the hard way. 9. Lebron James’ reputation- The only positive about the Cavaliers losing is that with every loss, more people begin to draw Hitler mustaches on Lebron James basketball cards. 8. Home Away’s Super Bowl Commercial- You might know this

Gone Greek Night Live Blog

February 4, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

There should be a mercy rule in beer pong. Time: sevenish And by mercy, I mean god should strike both teams with a bolt I’d lightning I guess singing backstreet boys us broey.730 central time Urinal.927 Pretending to get excited about seeing people.745 Song just said the n word.10