EVANSTONâAfter watching the Dolphin Show, in my expert marine biologist opinion, I would give it about one and a half out of a possible five flippers. The show did not suit my fancy, and I was not a dolph-fan. Pardon my dolph-french, but the fact that sea life was so under-represented in a dolphin show sucked blowhole. The only water in the show was the ocean of tears everyone was crying at the end. The closest thing to use of
EVANSTONâMembers of the Northwestern University student organization Coalition Against Climate Change announced today that they were “satisfied” to see the return of wintry weather. “We are pleased and happy to report that the cold weather is back,” said senior Mike Daly, president of the Coalition. “You guys don’t understand how freaked out we were last week.” Daly is referring to the flash of warmth Evanston experienced last week, when high temperatures reached mid-40s. “Seriously, we were freaking out about global
SAN BERNARDINO, CAâThe death of Glen W. Bell Jr., founder of Taco Bell, has shocked the fast food nation. Despite his healthy lifestyle, Bell died at the young age of eighty-six. Though no details were released regarding the circumstances surrounding his death, TMZ has received reports that he suffered internal burns from a Volcano Taco. To commemorate Bell’s contributions to society, Tricon Global has developed a special burrito for limited release at select Taco Bells in accordance with his last
WASHINGTONâIn a leak of a top-secret intelligence report, it has been revealed that the United States Military has invented Gaydar. The power of Gaydar, which was once restricted only to that friend who could spot a random stranger and instantly declare âgay or straight,â has now been automated and perfected. From this report it is shown that the Gaydar works by reading sexual orientation. Inventor Brian Hughes said, âIt is a sexual GPS of sorts. It can identify anybodyâs location
EVANSTONâWhen sophomore economics major Mark Richman signed up for PHIL 181: “Introduction to Ethical Decision Making”, the news surprised most other economics majors, who comprise approximately half of the undergraduate population. This shocking attempt at an escape from the norm came to an end when it was revealed that Richman dropped the course recently in favor of ECON 294: “Seminar – Risky Business: Is It Really That Bad?” The Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped 38 points after Richman requested the
IRVINE, CAâTaco Bell, a restaurant long associated with weight loss, has yet again revolutionized fast food diets with their new Seven-Layer Diet Burrito. “The fast in âfast foodâ stands for how quickly you will lose weight,â said now-dead Taco Bell President Glenn Bell. He died of unknown causes, though an autopsy revealed a suspicious amount of guacamole in his lungs, liver, and gall bladder. The Taco-Bells and whistles of the diet focus on each of the food groups. The Seven-Layer
JERSEY SHOREâNicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a cast member of MTV’s popular reality series “The Jersey Shore,” has been denied a role in the Broadway remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, after much speculation. Casting directors, who have already picked Rosie O’Donnell for the role of Augustus Gloop, stated that Snooki was just “too orange and too short.” Being denied a callback has been rough on Snookers, particularly since she received the rejection letter just hours after Ron “Ronnie” Magro
TOPEKA, KS – Tammi Daniels, Kansas native and breathing contradiction, purchased a Diet Rockstar energy drink on Thursday. Sources close to Ms. Daniels confirm the beverageâs branding suits her extreme life of excess to which no rules apply except for watching her figure. Daniels, an active Republican, further added a kiss of irony to her day by consuming the drink while discussing tax breaks for small businesses after having purchased it at Wal-Mart, a leader in crushing local family-owned enterprises.
EVANSTONâA typical sunny January day in Evanston turned tragic when fourteen Northwestern University students were hit by three cars as they crossed Sheridan Road in front of the Arch. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the accident resulted in many injuries. Every day, NU students cross Sheridan by following the first person who decides to ignore the âDo Not Walkâ sign. On this particular occasion, the leader of the pack was not capable of his duties. Jack Smannikan, a sophomore
By Professor John McSnoot Throughout history, people have begun essays with grand generalizations. Itâs one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers. These generalizations are often the same as the title of the essay, which should always be its own thought. There are three main mistakes I see in my studentsâ writing: Making a laundry list of reasons, sentence construction badness, and repetitive, redundant sentences of redundancy. Then, they do not provide adequate explanations for their reasoning.