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Area A Cappella Group Leaves on Paralyzed Member to Gain Similarity to “Glee”

January 1, 2010 Chelsea Finger Leave a comment

EVANSTON—James Norton woke up in the hospital Sunday morning after new group N(e)Urythmic’s Saturday night performance with two full leg casts and a throbbing headache. Nick Simons, a fellow group member, charged him with a baseball bat while he was changing out of his sequined leotard. The motive was apparently related to the wild success of Glee, the new Fox television program. Simons said this morning that he just couldn’t stand the pressure of the Northwestern a cappella world. “Nothing

Theater Major Actually Thinks I Saw His Show

January 1, 2010 Corey Moss Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Northwestern University prides itself on its nationally acclaimed theater program. Widely recognized by students across the country, Northwestern theater prepares young artists to cope with rejection, the typical outcome of real-life performance auditions. One hopeful freshman, Jeff Sachs, is actually convinced that I was aware of and had time to attend The Taming of the Shrew, a student-organized show he worked on. Sachs, a dazed theater major, clearly faltered in logic with that thought, failing to recognize that my attendance

Santa Shot Down

January 1, 2010 Brad Weinberger Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—In a series of events that still remains unclear, the United States military came forward Tuesday and announced that Santa and his sleigh had been shot down by anti-aircraft artillery on December 24th. According to military sources, Santa entered a declared no-fly zone over Israeli airspace at 11:39 PM local time, at which time the Israeli Air Force dispatched two F-16s to intercept Santa. After multiple failed attempts at radio contact, the two aircraft were given the authorization to shoot

NU Backs Out of Outback Bowl

January 1, 2010 Sam Gutelle 2 comments

TAMPA—Northwestern Wildcat fans everywhere were given bad news today as they learned that the 8-4 football team has backed out of the Outback Bowl. The decision was made following Coach Pat Fitzgerald’s call to sit 3 running backs out of the game. “With all our backs out, we have no choice but to back out of the Outback bowl,” Fitzgerald said in a New Year’s Day press release. One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside

Tiger Woods Admits to 18th Mistress, Blames Phallic Imagery of Golf

January 1, 2010 Laura Jok Leave a comment

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—In a press conference today, Tiger Woods retracted his previous earth-shattering statement: “I’m human and I’m not perfect.” Woods claimed that he recently realized that these generic labels were insufficient to describe him. “I’m also a man,” he said. “And I’m a Neo-Freudian now.” The famed golfer sought psychiatric treatment when the details of his unsavory personal life came to the attention of the media. Woods believes that this decision has changed his entire perspective buy custom essays online on his

Wife Not Spending Enough Time in Kitchen

January 1, 2010 Emilia Barrose Leave a comment

LITTLE ROCK, AR—A month after his wife landed a position as a volunteer at the local Salvation Army, Bud Bixby worries that she is not spending enough time in the kitchen. “I don’t know,” said Bixby, staring blankly around his empty kitchen. “There used to be so much food. Now, there’s just leftovers all the time. It’s almost as if Louanne doesn’t care anymore.” Bixby has been married to his wife, Louanne, for 16 years, and this is the first

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Frat Busted for “Menu” in Basement

November 18, 2009 Clare Roth Leave a comment

Delta Upsilon, a predominantly undead frat, was busted earlier in the week for having a full wall in their basement dedicated to girls they had “dined and dashed” on. This wall assigned points to the most gluttonous eaters who had “hit” the most girls. The frat assigned points to each girl they had eaten or planned to eat, setting goals for larger girls that took more perseverance to eat, and red-headed girls, known as “gingers,” that were less attainable due

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Kama Cerebrum: Three Tips for Your Oral Pleasure

November 18, 2009 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON,IL — Let’s face it: it’s hard to get some good head these days. Even when you’re lucky enough to find one, it’s likely that the brain inside has been fermented by excessive alcohol consumption or turned mushy from too much television watching. But I’m here to help. I can’t guarantee you that there will be more brain in your world, but I can promise that if you try some of the tricks below, you will maximize your brain-eating pleasure. 1.

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Hunter Loves Meeting, Killing Celebrities

November 18, 2009 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

RENO, NV — Following the outbreak of a mysterious virus causing zombie-like symptoms in the infected, former bank teller Jack Manson has become one of many survivors to embrace the hot new career of “Zombie Hunter”, drawn in by the promise of action, glamour, and the increasingly likely possibility of disemboweling smug celebrities. “It’s abso-fuckin’-lutely awesome!” Manson exclaimed. “If you had told me just two months ago that I’d get to shove a shotgun into Bono’s mouth and tell him

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Lack of Brains Ensures Safety of Jersey Shore Cast

November 18, 2009 Flippy Leave a comment

MIAMI, FL — Much to the relief of Jersey Shore fans everywhere, it has been confirmed that due to the lack of brains to be had throughout the group, they will all most likely be safe during the zombie apocalypse. So will the people who watch the show. When asked how she felt about being able to survive the zombies, Snooki’s immediate response was, “Behhhhhhhh. Are any of them gorilla juiceheads?” Jwoww agreed, but was upset that the zombies would

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