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Category Archives: Sports

Sorority’s BYE Game Tailgate a “Big Success”

November 3, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Delta Delta Delta Delta reported to The Flipside that their tailgate before Saturday’s football game was a “big success.” Chapter president Andrea Gulotta bubbled, “There were so many people there! We had some drinks, played a little catch, grilled on the porch. We sure showed BYE that the Wildcats are for real this year. Go ‘Cats!” Although Gulotta was unable to recall the exact score of the game—she said she left Ryan Field around halftime—she was sure Northwestern

Area Guy Reminds People About Baseball Playoffs, Exorcised

October 15, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

LANSING, MI – In a month where NFL games, college football, and preseason basketball compete for the attention of autumn sports fans, area Guy Steve Parkson has reminded anyone who will listen to him that “baseball is still going on, guys.” “Dudes,” said Parkson, checking MLB scores on his smartphone as his Guy buddies drank beer at a local bar, whose TVs were showing Sports That Were Not Baseball, “the Cardinals just pulled ahead of the Nationals…it looks like they’re

Marlins Owners Disappointed to Learn People Can Understand What Ozzie Guillen is Saying

April 16, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

MIAMI, FL – Miami Marlins ownership was shocked this week to learn not only does Ozzie Guillen speak English, but that people can actually understand what he is saying. It was only after this already shocking revelation that Marlins Owner Jeffery Loria realized that Guillen praised one of the world’s worst dictators. “We specifically hired a manager who could speak the language of our players,” Loria said. “We did not realize he also spoke English.” “It’s pretty disappointing,” Loria added.

Athlete Fails to Grasp Why 110% Sale Is Losing Money

April 10, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – NFL Hall of Famer Joe Namath will not be entering the hypothetical Well-Run-Business Hall of Fame. Namath was sad to announce Sunday that his restaurant, Joe’s Bar and Grill, will be shutting its doors permanently at the end of the month. Namath attributed this decision to the fact that he “was losing money faster than [he] can throw a football. Customers would walk in, flash a coupon, and walk out with a wad of cash.” Namath

Area Man “So Turned On” by Fantasy Baseball Team

April 4, 2012 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

INTERNET – Area man, Billy Smith, has the best fantasy baseball team, EVER. In fact, it is so great, that Smith reported getting an erection when the league draft ended. “My team is so awesome that I’ll be able to fantasize about it for years to come,” Smith told his girlfriend, Cynthia Walder, on Friday. The couple was enjoying March Madness, when it became clear that Smith was unable to concentrate. He kept going into his room during crucial moments

Saints Linebacker Boba Fett Suspended for Involvement in Bounty System

April 3, 2012 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

NEW ORLEANS – The New Orleans Saints’ bounty system has resulted in several suspensions, and today another casualty was added to the tally as linebacker Boba Fett was banned indefinitely for his supposed involvement. Fett, a fourth year player from Tatooine Tech, allegedly delivered vicious hits in exchange for a monetary reward. “I trust that Boba Fett will not make such a mistake again,” warned NFL commissioner Darth Goodell. Goodell explained that the NFL reviewed game footage and found several

ESPN Adds Department Devoted Exclusively to Morally Questionable Commentary

February 22, 2012 Dan Lesser Leave a comment

BRISTOL, CT – ESPN, cornerstone of respectable sports media that it is, has succeeded in maintaining a level of support for recent phenom Jeremy Lin that accurately represents Americans’ appetite for poorly disguised stereotyping. This success can be attributed to ESPN’s recent decision to take on analysts specializing in commentary that has just the right amount of political correctness. Said one of the new ESPN employees, “Lin was a perfect candidate because, well, let’s face it, he’s really only slightly