Morty Hoping Heâll Get More than Natty Light While Trick or Treating at Frat Houses
âI am hoping by the end of this I will have enough candy to last until Christmas. Maybe theyâll even throw a few Keystones in there too.”
Monthly Archives: October 2018
Mock Trial Stages Mock Execution
The death penalty case arose when Ross approached NUMTâs promotional stand at the Rock and took a brownie before realizing they cost 75 cents. With no cash or venmo, Ross was summarily charged and convicted of theft and thirteen counts of homicide.
US News Editor to Morty: âI Made You Top 10, Now Let My Family Goâ
âPlease, I have delivered on my part. Let me hold my son, Zachariah âZac-Attackâ Zuckerman, again. Let me see my wife, Zora Zelda Zuckerman. I even made you #15 in Best Value Schools, right above the University of Chicago!â
Six Flags Posts Studentsâ Midterm Grades Around Park for Fright Fest
“What really put me over the edge was a scary clown handing me my CHEM 212 grade and saying, âOh no, I guess mommyâs little boy wonât be a doctor after all!ââ
Pete Davidson Really Missing Life of Two Weeks Ago, When He Could Shop at Sears
Last week was tough for SNL cast member Pete Davidson, who reportedly enjoyed a âblissful and carefreeâ summer. On October 15th, Sears filed for bankruptcy, bringing Davidsonâs happiness to a halt. Pete was one of Searsâ biggest fans and most loyal shoppers, even tattooing the Sears logo on his body. Now that Sears is no longer financially solvent, Pete has gone through the painful process of covering up tattoos that were once so meaningful to him. âIâve been covering a
DNA Test: Warren About as Diverse as Northwestern Student Body
A DNA test recently revealed that Senator Elizabeth Warren is between 1/64th and 1/1,024th Native American, making her about as racially diverse as Northwestern. Junior Karla Driver was comforted upon hearing the news. âI think itâs important to have politicians who make wild and unsubstantiated claims to Native American ancestry,â said Driver, whose A in her freshman-year Gender and Sexuality Studies class entitles her to comment on most social issues. âWe need politicians to look like a classroom on this campus:
Floormate Thinks Socks on Doorknobs Are Gifts, His Collection is Growing Quite Large
Twenty students have already come to the floor RA with complaints that they witnessed Daniel once again pulling the socks off the handles and tucking them gently under his belt to later be thrown into a pile in his room.
Frat Attracts Early Morning Tailgaters with Continental Breakfast
âI felt like I was dining in a Holiday Inn Express and not freezing in a muddy backyard covered with tarps and half-empty beer cans.â
Sears Rebrands Itself As âWillis,â Still Bankrupt
âWe thought, âNo, letâs keep everything completely identical. Just change the name. Thatâll get the people going.ââ
To Fully Experience Life of Northwestern Student, Parents to Get Rejected by Improv Troupe
âRejection from an improv troupe is part of the classic Northwestern experience; itâs really what people come to this school for,â said Mark Browning, father of Jim Browning