Category Archives: Archives

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Gabby and Ariel’s Social Calendar is, like, totally filled with Bat Mitzvahs

Gabby and Ariel are, like, totally the hottest JAPs at school. They only wear Marc Jacobs, and they get invited to EVERY Bat Mitzvah. G + A (as they call themselves) spend the Saturday morning services taking trips to the bathroom to gossip and flirting with the boys from different schools across the room. Between the service and the party, G + A are very busy making a “kissing web” that shows who everyone in the school has kissed. They

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Long-Term Couple Breaks It Off After Three Weeks

[by Cla4732] EVANSTON – In a breakup that shook Haven Middle School girls’ faith in love and sent shockwaves throughout the seventh grade class, “it” couple Brett Flores and Bianca Tobin have broken off their almost-month-long relationship, the longest Haven’s seventh grade had seen. The breakup came after Brett IMed Bianca “Brett + Bianca = 69”, after which Bianca sent the crushing reply, “we R thru.” Sources close to the couple could confirm that while the couple had yet to

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Middle-school clique misses entire point of Mean Girls

[by Cla4732] In a terrific display of sarcasm malfunction, Evanston Middle’s most famous clique, insipidly self-named the Deadly Sins, failed to understand the moral behind Mean Girls and undertook the task of making every mistake the titular characters did. After watching Mean Girls for the 9th time following the dance and the requisite hour of IMing boys, the girls decided to model themselves after the characters that the creators of the movie intended to portray as horrible people. Kelsi (Wrath)

Northwestern Trades Morty to Egypt for Mubarak and 2nd Round Pick

Looking to give its team a spark before the 2012 US News and World Report Tournament, Northwestern has traded President Morty Shapiro to Egypt for President Hosni Mubarak and a 2nd-round pick in this year’s draft. There are reports of cash considerations being included in Egypt’s package to NU as well. Since Morty arrived in 2009, Northwestern has made the tournament in each of his two years at the school but has yet to advance past the first round. Last

Yes, Sorority Risk Manager is a Real Position

Hello! I am here today to clear up some misconceptions about sorority risk managers!! First, it is not simply an ironic title. There are risks. I have to remind the girls living in the house to come down for dinner. It is true, however, that most sororities have given up making sisters eat for lunch. Second, I make sure the shower temperature doesn’t fluctuate as wildly as Luka Mirkovic’s game-to-game performance. I also manage the risk of the spreading of

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