Freshman Nonchalantly Googles “Who is Pusher Tee” Mid-Conversation
“I didn’t know what any of those words meant, but I figured I’d start with finding out who this Pusher Tee is.”
Category Archives: Archives
Meghan Markle to Attend Dillo to Shirk Royal Family Responsibilities
“The last time I was this stressed was when I got a terrible registration time for winter quarter of freshman year and found out the only open classes I could take were Orgo, EA, and EECS 211.”
New Dillo Stage to Feature Live Podcasting
Mayfest released a statement this week regarding the addition: “We know that not everyone wants to listen to random bands and rappers that they sort of vaguely know, so, we decided to bring in those podcasters that you’ve been meaning to listen to but just haven’t had the time lately.”
ASG Rules That Morty Cannot Block Students on Canvas
“Morty floods our inboxes every day with notifications about yet another tuition hike and impassioned rants about why cats are better than dogs. Whenever a student objects, he immediately blocks them so that they can’t respond to his emails. Then, he goes onto their course pages and secretly changes the dates of all their midterms.”
Freshman Super Excited to Watch Dillo Through their Snapchat Camera
“The best part is probably when you zoom in so much that everything becomes blurry and you can’t even find the singer on stage anymore. What a thrill!”
Joey Bada$$ to Join 2018 Dillo Lineup
Reports from Mayfest sources indicate that Joey Badass will join Daniel Caesar, Whitney, and Young the Giant in the lineup for Dillo Day on June 2.
Morty Breaks Out the Temporary Tattoos in Preparation for Dillo Day
Sources have been reporting for the last few days that Northwestern President Morton “Morty” Schapiro has recently decided to bust out his temporary tattoo collection in preparation for Dillo Day.
Northwestern Vineyard Vines Cartel Encroaches on Patagonia Territory
Per University policy, a travel advisory is in effect for large portions of the frat quad. Students are warned that accepting any free merchandise may result in violence. Last week, Trent Chadwick, WCAS ’21, was found stripped and bound outside of SPAC with a crude mountain range spray painted on his chest.
Geology Major Just a Little Too into Eating Rocks
“Geology is my passion. I want to live, breathe and eat geology for the rest of my life.”
Desperate McCormick Senior Accepts “Food Engineering” Position at KFC
Jones stated that his new downtown Toledo office, conveniently located 15 minutes from his childhood home, will provide “an unparalleled experience in the ever-expanding field of deep fry technology”.