‘I’m sure there’s more on there that we never found,’ reported Danica Jackson, SoC ’20, ‘but after we cleared off “Raccoon Hurricane 2019” and “Reagan’s Back!” we started to wonder if this was a good idea.’
“So, like, okay. The idea is that by burning a girl at the stake we’re making her sort of like a phoenix, where she dies all weak and gross but rises from the ashes in the image of sorority excellence.”
This setback comes after the delay of the new student center, forcing Morty to try and combine funding for the two projects by seeking out a donor with an interest both in improving the student experience and hunting exotic animals.
“I had to draw the line when he wanted to bail out of Math 220,” Kraps continued. “At that point, he was basically in SESP!”
On pain of death, students must wait for five minutes for TAs, ten minutes for associate professors, and fifteen minutes for full professors before leaving.
“Well instead of waking up at 6:30 am to frantically add classes to my cart before they get stolen out from under me, I’m taking Engineering Fluid Mechanics,” stated Comm studies major Gerry Shilvonotrov.
The man will forego the typical commencement address to the graduating class in favor of walking silently amongst the rows of sitting students, placing a pale, scarred hand on the forehead of those he selects.
‘Honestly, he’s been trying to break them since 2002. We’ll see how it goes now.’
Multiple eyewitnesses observed the men exchange prolonged eye contact and a subtle nod as the sun glinted off their heads.
‘He definitely was the breakout performance. They should have given him a bigger role in the movie.’