Category Archives: Entertainment

Kim Kardashian Goes as Gold-Digger for Halloween

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LOS ANGELES – Needlessly famous woman Kim Kardashian decided to go all-out this past Halloween.  On October 31, 2011, in an effort to complete her (sexy) gold-digger costume, Kardashian wore black Victoria’s Secret lingerie, a $2 million engagement ring, and filed for divorce from her ridiculously overpaid husband Kris Humphries. Humphries, a player for the NBA, was utterly shocked.  “She just waltzed right in wearing nothing but lingerie and waved the divorce petition around like it was some sort of

Read more Entertainment, No. 67

Gothic Rock Band “The Flying Buttresses” a Soaring Success

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HAMBURG, Holy Roman Empire – From the far West of Berlin to distant East Amsterdam, the entire world is up in arms over the hellfire hot new band The Flying Buttresses. With a repertoire full of popular ballads like “Hey You, Get off of My Pew,” “Us and Him,” and “I’ve Got 95 Theses but a Byzantine Ain’t One,” The Flying Buttresses are the most successful band in the Empire since The Painted Glass. The Flying Buttresses have vaulted to

Read more Entertainment, No. 65

Neutrino Discoveries Good News for Nintendo 4DS

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Time Travel Gaming in Nintendo’s Future REDMOND, WA – CERN’s highest-paying investor, Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata, is hoping to harness the newly discovered power of the neutrino for the chance to realize his latest dream: the 4DS. This not-so-hush-hush project arrives on the coattails of a declining interest in Nintendo’s last handheld console, the 3DS. In the face of plummeting sales, Nintendo decided the fourth dimension–time–was their best bet. An American focus group, comprised mostly of 13 to 21 year

Read more Entertainment, No. 62, Sci/Tech

Groupon Sets October Ferris Bueller Screening at Wrigley for Next 100 Years

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CHICAGO – Groupon has scheduled a screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at Wrigley Field on the first Saturday of October for the next 100 years. “It became readily apparent over the past few years that the Cubs will never have use for Wrigley Field in October,” Andrew Mason, CEO of Groupon, stated in a press conference. “They are just an incredibly shitty baseball team.” The Cubs have not had a winning record in three seasons. Despite boasting impressive household

Read more Entertainment, No. 62, Sports

Sorority Chapter Invites Kansas City Royals to Wedding-Watch Party

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EVANSTON – Anticipation turned to confused embarrassment when the sisters of the Delta Delta Delta Delta sorority realized that the ‘royals’ they had invited to their “Royal Wedding-Watch Party OMG!!!!!” event were, in fact, the Kansas City Royals, the major league baseball team. “I was like, sooo excited when I heard we were watching the royal wedding at the house,” said Quad Delt sister Becca Silverstein, “cuz my boyfriend is from Kansas City and he’s always talking about the royals

Read more Entertainment, No. 57

Wheelbarrow Poised to Win Game of Monopoly

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ATLANTIC CITY – In what is surely a game for the ages, the wheelbarrow is about to win a game of monopoly. It has $1300 in cash and owns the red monopoly, consisting of Kentucky Avenue, Indiana Avenue, and Illinois Avenue. “I just knew my business was turning around when I landed on Indiana Avenue,” the wheelbarrow commented. “Seriously, there are now three stunningly beautiful houses here! Who wouldn’t want to stay in one of them and pay me $700

Read more Articles, Business, Entertainment, No. 53, Sports

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] OMG, Guys, You *HAVE* to Watch Schindler’s List! It Has Tits!

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by xtrasooperdood GUYS! You guys! You won’t believe it! C’mon! Okay, you guys are NOT. Fuckin’. Gonna. Believe it. Last night my parents made me watch a movie with them; it was some fuckin’ black and white movie. Gay shit, amirite? Yeah, I know! But listen, this movie had more tits than you could shake your dick at – NO, DAN, I’M NOT FUCKING LYING! No, I don’t know what it was about – I was on AIM the whole

Read more Entertainment, No. 52
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