Local Student Tries to Buy Juul, Accidentally Summons Zuul
“Look, how can you expect me to know the difference between a Juul and a Zuul? I’m a legacy, I never learned to spell.”
Category Archives: Featured
After Bachelor Season Opener More Male Tinder Profiles Boast “Virginity”
“To be honest, it is hard to remember what Underwood looked like,” stated Harper Cardinal, “but I do remember he was a virgin and that all of the women liked him a lot.”
Students from Midwest Itching to Act Unbothered Following First Major Snowfall
Floridian and Californian students are warned to be wary of who they complain around, lest a Midwestern student overhears and feels the need to correct their ignorance.
Bezos’s Soon-to-be Ex-Wife Gets Divorce Papers with Free 2-Day Prime Shipping
“This is childish even for him,” said MacKenzie, “he’s turned into the Monopoly Man except with stupid aviators and weirdly muscular arms.”
Morty Tired of Students Only Wanting Him for His Financial Aid
“I don’t understand how 8,000 undergrads can look at me and only see my ten-billion dollar endowment and multi-million annual salary. I’m, like, a really good listener!”
First Thanksgiving Without Grandma Goes Off Surprisingly Well
“Mom made the cranberry pie almost as well as Grandma used to, so by next year it won’t even be noticeable.”
Students Watch Anxiously as Squirrel Attempts to Cross Sheridan on a Busy Day
“I was jumping up and down, screaming for him to go back to his burrow.”
Op-ed: How Dare She Date Someone More Kind, Intelligent, and Attractive Than Me?
Really Samantha? You chose to stoop that high? Have some decency… but not enough decency to do that.
The Daily Northwestern Stops Writing Real News in Honor of George H.W. Bush’s Death
“We were worried that the extremely high-quality journalism that we usually produce would overshadow the mourning of the nation and the Bush family,” said a representative from the Daily.
Op-Ed: Cheetos in milk are the best winter vegetable. Let me convince you.
They’re orange, powdery and drenched in milk. Seemingly unassuming, they manage to divide the masses like none other. It’s rare that such a small thing can cause such polarization, but they do so with aplomb. Yes, I am talking about cheetos in milk. And yes, I think they’re the best winter vegetable out there (and I know many of you will disagree). Cheetos in milk get a lot of flak, and I have to admit that I was also once