Haunted Lakefill Hammock Swallows Another Victim
McCormick sophomore Laura Russo has been reported missing since last Thursday. She was last seen at 5:30 PM on the lakefill, napping peacefully in a perfectly innocuous woven hammock.
Category Archives: Featured
Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test Revealing She Is 1/64 Golden State Killer
An aide to the Warren campaign said, “We’d like to make it perfectly clear: Elizabeth Warren is NOT a killer. The only thing killer about her is her killer ‘bod.”
Anime Club Director “Making Dad Proud”
Anime Club Director Edward Elric (SESP ’19) has announced he is “still making dad proud” after another tense seven minute phone call last Sunday.
Northwestern Student Already Has Pretty Good Idea When to Schedule Fall Mental Breakdown
“It’ll fit perfectly in between these two weeks of straight midterms and the next Friday, when I have 6 papers due.”
Students Don’t Know if They Should Be More Stressed About Midterm Exams or Elections
“Young people must take time to research candidates in order to make informed decisions at the polls. But I also have a chem midterm on Wednesday and know nothing.”
Willie the Wildcat Has Pretty Good Idea Which Freshman to Invite to Furry Rave
Willie the Wildcat announced on his finsta that he has found a freshman to accompany him to his annual Furry Rave.
Freshman Theater Major Scoped Out Only Love Interest Who Can Stand Him
“If she’ll stick around for Frozen, she’ll stick around for anything. She’s a keeper.”
CAPS Hands Out ‘A+’ Stickers to Dejected High School Valedictorians
“We at CAPS strive to affirm the appallingly fragile, extrinsically-fixed self-worth of our former best and brightest.”
Idiot Freshman Can’t Find Building
“I guess it’s early and I’m still finding my way around,” White said, as if that were actually a thing.
Prayers Go Out to Sorority Sister after Dad Doesn’t Fill her Bank Account in Time for Bar Crawl
A candlelight vigil is scheduled for this Wednesday to commemorate the tragedy.