Prior To Resigning, Jeff Sessions Jails One More Minority For āOld Timesā Sakeā
“I knew that I had to go out with one last humdinger.ā
Category Archives: Featured
Journalist Killing Breaks Long Tradition of Free Speech and Progressivism in Saudi Arabia
The international community has been bewildered, with multiple UN representatives expressing disbelief over the historically peaceful Middle-Eastern nation suddenly cracking down on freedom of the press.
Catholicism to Officially Change Name to āPritzianityā After Large Donation
“The anonymous donor was unsatisfied with the public response to the name change, and for some reason was demanding that Pope Francis declare Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner to be the Antichrist.”
New Study Reveals That You Arenāt Good Enough to Go Here
A new study published in the Daily Northwestern has revealed that you are neither academically nor socially good enough to go here.
Freshman Trekkie Keeps Saying Heās Rushing Sci-Fi
After making his rounds through the various Sunday dinners hosted by Northwestern fraternities, Star Trek fanatic Kirk Spockard has allegedly found his future brotherhood with āSci-Fiā.
NU Sports Rewards App Has Students Walking Past Soccer Field at Record High
As the app gains popularity, officials hope students will be inspired by their personalized jerseys and may one day wear them as they sit through an entire game.
Frat House Starting to Feel Like Frat Home
“As time went on, the constant drunkenness and mild-homoeroticism really made me feel comfortable.ā
Student Uncertain About Halloweekend Dates Drinks for Two Weeks StraightāØ
Costumes reportedly included timeless classics such as a slutty devil, slutty cat, and slutty alien, but also included throwback outfits like slutty ā80s workout instructor and topical statements such as a slutty absentee ballot.
Op-ed: Stop Looking at the Climate While itās Changing, You Perverts!
Hereās the bottom line: if the climate is changing, you look away! Stop measuring the weather and making your graphs, and shut your eyes, for Christās sake!
Raising Prices 3.6% Only Business Strategy Taught in Kellogg
āI think the 3.6% strategy really synergizes the business ownerās desire to make money and impoverish millennials.ā