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[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Long-Term Couple Breaks It Off After Three Weeks

February 17, 2011 Clare Roth 2 comments

[by Cla4732] EVANSTON – In a breakup that shook Haven Middle School girls’ faith in love and sent shockwaves throughout the seventh grade class, “it” couple Brett Flores and Bianca Tobin have broken off their almost-month-long relationship, the longest Haven’s seventh grade had seen. The breakup came after Brett IMed Bianca “Brett + Bianca = 69”, after which Bianca sent the crushing reply, “we R thru.” Sources close to the couple could confirm that while the couple had yet to

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] This Mad Lib is the Funniest Thing Ever Pooped

February 17, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

Three seventh graders stupidly sitting on the back of the school whore have come to the conclusion that the gay lib that they pooped today on the way to vagina is the best one ever.

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Middle-school clique misses entire point of Mean Girls

February 14, 2011 Clare Roth Leave a comment

[by Cla4732] In a terrific display of sarcasm malfunction, Evanston Middle’s most famous clique, insipidly self-named the Deadly Sins, failed to understand the moral behind Mean Girls and undertook the task of making every mistake the titular characters did. After watching Mean Girls for the 9th time following the dance and the requisite hour of IMing boys, the girls decided to model themselves after the characters that the creators of the movie intended to portray as horrible people. Kelsi (Wrath)

Northwestern Trades Morty to Egypt for Mubarak and 2nd Round Pick

February 12, 2011 Michael Anders Leave a comment

Looking to give its team a spark before the 2012 US News and World Report Tournament, Northwestern has traded President Morty Shapiro to Egypt for President Hosni Mubarak and a 2nd-round pick in this year’s draft. There are reports of cash considerations being included in Egypt’s package to NU as well. Since Morty arrived in 2009, Northwestern has made the tournament in each of his two years at the school but has yet to advance past the first round. Last

NU Males to Completely Fuck Up Valentine’s Day

February 9, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

As of press time, Barish is still trying to pick out a convenience store card that exactly expresses his true feelings.

Yes, Sorority Risk Manager is a Real Position

February 9, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

Hello! I am here today to clear up some misconceptions about sorority risk managers!! First, it is not simply an ironic title. There are risks. I have to remind the girls living in the house to come down for dinner. It is true, however, that most sororities have given up making sisters eat for lunch. Second, I make sure the shower temperature doesn’t fluctuate as wildly as Luka Mirkovic’s game-to-game performance. I also manage the risk of the spreading of

Man Takes Girlfriend on Romantic Date to See Blue Valentine

February 9, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON, IL– With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, Romeo Smith knew he had to do something special for his new girlfriend, Rosalin Jones. “You know, it’s the beginning,” he very aptly told Flipside, “she hasn’t even slept with me yet, so I know I can’t slack yet. She’s pretty classy, so I knew I had to find something, you know, romantic to do.” He considered a big box of chocolates, but decided against it because Romeo wanted Rosalin to

Best Ways to Win GREEN CUP 2011

February 9, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON – This list of sure-to-win strategies was compiled from an old book found in the Willard basement. Don’t shower. Who cares what the kids in your classes say? And if your roommate will agree to that too, neither of you will notice the smell after a while. If you absolutely feel the need to shower, do it in another dorm. If you get someone to let you in, be sure to let the water for as long as possible.

Gone Greek Night Live Blog

February 4, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

There should be a mercy rule in beer pong. Time: sevenish And by mercy, I mean god should strike both teams with a bolt I’d lightning I guess singing backstreet boys us broey.730 central time Urinal.927 Pretending to get excited about seeing people.745 Song just said the n word.10

Willard Residents Stop Showering for Month of February to Win Green Cup

February 2, 2011 Alex Chudler Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Willard residents have decided to take drastic measures in order to retain their title as the “Greenest Dorm (With a Dining Hall) on Campus” from the Green Cup last year. Most notably, all Willardites will forgo showers for the entire month of February to win the prestigious title in 2011. “Not showering for a whole month is really going to help secure our victory,” said Willard president Jackson Drapple. “Not to mention that it’s been proven that not taking