Freshman Just Referred to Professor as His “Teacher”
“There’s no way I can associate with him anymore. We’re in college now, bro. We have professors, not teachers. It’s just so childish,” said Jacob Villanueva, before heelying away.
Category Archives: Local
“Well, well, well, who’s laughing now?” Says Student Spending Spring Break in Tiny Deep Sea Capsule
“They all called me ‘Jenny the Weirdo,’ ‘Jenny the Deep Sea Freak,’ ‘Jenny-the-girl-who-got-her-head-stuck-inside-a-beaker-during-a-bio-lab,’” said Smeely, “Oh how the tables have turned!”
Daily Northwestern Breaks 15 Day Streak of Not Publishing Anything Racist
From heavily censoring the coverage of political events, to publicly accounting the suffering of “taking the train and sitting next to POOR people,” the Daily has a proud tradition of standing up for what is right.
98% of Chemistry Classes Fail Bechdel Test
I don’t think a conversation passes the Bechdel test if a man says, ‘but actually,’ every time the professor or I try to get a word in.
Students Gather to Shoot the Shit, Survive Methane Explosion
Chunks of a plastic Port-A-Potty were strewn across Sheridan Road after students decided to meet up and shoot the shit to decompress on a Friday night.
Child Disintegrates after Disgruntled Mother Confiscates Her Hydrogen Atoms
“The whole thing really started when she called me a moron. I thought fine, if that’s so funny I’ll just take your boron”, said Mrs. Brantley with a chuckle, who has a dual degree in chemistry and poetry.
Morty and ROTC to Unveil New “Hands-On” Study Abroad Program in Iran
After the wildly unsuccessful “Bay of Pigs Internship Program”, it’s only natural that administration is tightening their application requirements.
Ask Flippy: I’m Running to Norbucks, Want Anything?
If you don’t want caffeine, they have smoothies and stuff, too, I think.
McCormick Student Retakes Rice Purity Test, Finds Score Went Up
“When I came here, I had a purity score of 100,” attested Annie Eisenbower, McCormick ‘23, “but when I changed into my jammies, after a spirited debate about the role of metaphysics in the world of meta-metaphysics with some colleagues, it went up to 102.”
Ask Flippy: The Walmarts I’m Buying Keep Mysteriously Burning Down, How Do I Get a Property Loan?
They say that if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you purchase a local Walmart franchise you effectively own all the fish within a two-mile radius.