Local Woman Blames Acne on Zoom Breakout Rooms
“It’s obviously the bad vibes of the breakout rooms that are conjuring acne on my face.”
Category Archives: Local
Teen Supports Decision to Reopen America after Mother Finishes Third James Patterson Novel this Week
Until recently, local teenager Jenny Dorn was an avid supporter of the government’s decision to continue the coronavirus lockdown until scientists declare that a slow reopening can safely begin. However, she had a change of heart after her mother finished reading her third James Patterson novel this week. “Like most socially-conscious teens of my age, I thought that ending the lockdown within the near future would be disastrous,” Dorn wrote in a widely shared Change.org petition. “Then my mom cracked
BrewBike Declared Nonessential Business During Pandemic, But Also Just in General
“We are requiring BrewBike to close its stores in Evanston immediately because it is not essential now nor has it ever been essential”
Op-Ed: Thank God Dillo is Online, I Couldn’t Find Funky Shorts to Match My Rainbow Tube Top
I found the perfect rainbow tube top at Urban this summer. Ever since then, I’ve been looking for the right pair of funky shorts, to no avail.
Oedipal Arrangement Terrible Mother’s Day Gift
“When she finally woke me up and I saw her in lingerie, I nearly stabbed my eyes out.”
Local Man’s Quirky Zoom Background Not Enough To Save His Failing Grade
“I don’t know who he thinks he’s impressing. It was sorta funny the first week of class, but now it’s just pathetic,” said concerned classmate John Masters.
Op-Ed: Why Using My Asshole As A Zoom Background Is An Artistic Statement
What better way, then, to light aflame the hearts and minds of my classmates than by plastering my puckered ass skin all over their laptop screens?
Area Student Wearing Propeller Hat in Zoom Lecture “Doing Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?”
“It’s like she used this tired gimmick to distract us from how self-isolation is deteriorating her mental health,” said her classmate Darrell Jamison, RTVF ‘22. “The propeller looks pretty funny, but I’m not laughing. I’m concerned.”
Snooty Weinberg Professor Announces Spring Quarter Universal Fail Policy
“Due to the intense rigor of this course and the extreme inefficiency of my remote teaching, all students will receive a grade of No Pass on their transcripts regardless of their performance in the class this quarter.”
Freshman Just Referred to Professor as His “Teacher”
“There’s no way I can associate with him anymore. We’re in college now, bro. We have professors, not teachers. It’s just so childish,” said Jacob Villanueva, before heelying away.