Geology Major Just a Little Too into Eating Rocks
“Geology is my passion. I want to live, breathe and eat geology for the rest of my life.”
Category Archives: Local
Desperate McCormick Senior Accepts “Food Engineering” Position at KFC
Jones stated that his new downtown Toledo office, conveniently located 15 minutes from his childhood home, will provide “an unparalleled experience in the ever-expanding field of deep fry technology”.
Live Stream of Chem Final Flagged as Graphic/Violent Content
In an effort to make STEM fields more relatable, faculty within the Chemistry department set-up a live stream of the Chem-132 final for 2 minutes before Twitch staff were inundated with horrified requests to end the stream. The live feed of students struggling to finish the final quarter of the general chemistry sequence was immediately flagged as graphic/violent content and Northwestern computers have been banned from using all Twitch streaming services.
Model of New Norris in Current Norris to Receive Tenure
“It was always there for me when I was struggling with a class or confused about just how much money new Norris is supposed to cost, and with tenure it can now help other students like me for decades to come.”
Big Al’s Guns and Lemonade Raises Minimum Gun Buying Age to 14
In light of recent events and the current political climate, Southern landmark, Big Al’s Guns and Lemonade, has announced a controversial decision to ban the sale of all firearms to all people younger than 14. Viewed by some critics as bending to political pressure, Big Al himself announced that lemonade sales will still be unrestricted despite the new firearms policy. “I find this here new regulation to be classic liberal bullshit propaganda,” stated Chuck Horowitz, a 14-year-old high school freshman.
Armadillo Day Ranked Second Best Vermin-Themed Music Festival After Roachella
The ranking, which will be displayed right below the “5th Best Dining” award on Northwestern’s Wall of Mediocre Achievements, came as a great surprise to the campus community.
Morty Embezzles Endowment Money to Buy All the Samosas Outside Tech
“I noticed Morty barreling down the sidewalk on a forklift that must have been holding at least a thousand samosas. He had a very guilty look on his face, and he gave me $6,000 dollars for promising not to tell anyone.”
Transplanted Square of Landscaping Grass Longs for Soil of Home
“I just don’t feel at home here. I miss Bowling Green. I know college is supposed to be about getting out of your comfort zone, but I wish I could go back to the nice southern topsoil I’m used to.”
Stray Arm Dangerously Close to Becoming Raised Hand
“If Neal keeps resting his arm on the seat next to him without clearly propping up his head with his fist or something, then it’s only a matter of time before the professor asks him if he has a question.”
Student Asks Italian Professor for Extension on Day of Daughter’s Wedding
“It’s bad luck for a Sicilian to refuse any request on his daughter’s wedding day.”