Mayoral Candidate Passes the “Who Would I Shoot Heroin With?” Test
“When I look through all of these candidates, I just see a bunch of old out-of-touch men I’d never want to shoot heroin with, but Quinn is something different.”
Category Archives: Local
Op-Ed: My President was White
To my knowledge, Morty is not black, or any other race other than white.
Area Student Finally Finishes Netflix
Patterson, who hadnāt been seen in person since September, emerged from Elder on Monday morning, looking terribly sleep deprived but ready to attend classes and talk to other people.
Curious Sophomore Disappears after Asking to See NU Landscaping Budget
āThereās something huge in those files. Maybe itās just that the landscaping contractors skim some off the top, but maybe thereās something they donāt want us to know.ā
Suspicious Alligator-Shaped Crate Arrives on Fraternity Doorstep
āIt could be booze. Or girls. Iām not sure how to identify other types of stuff.ā
Area Man’s First Words “Midterms, Fuck” After Waking from 2 Week Coma
The 30-year-old nurse at Evanston Hospital who had responded to the patientās question, described the events as ānothing like I have ever seen before.ā
Econ Major Relies on āInvisible Handā to Choose Apartment
“Given the counterintuitive nature of economic forcesāand how they seem to be a reasonable substitute for proactive decision making at the Cato InstituteāIām bound to get a good place.ā
Area Freshman Still Not Sure Why Nancy M Cunniff Keeps Emailing Her
Freshman Savannah Grant told reporters she has been receiving unsolicited e-mails from a mysterious ListServ for over four months now.
Librarian Judging You as You Miss WildCard Scanner
āAny more than a couple swipes and I immediately value you less as a human being. Iām kindāve ruthless.ā
Northwestern Basketball Finally Relevant Enough to Disappoint
āThis isnāt what weāve come to expect from the team. Iām really not sure how to explain itā, said head coach Chris Collins, visibly perplexed by the teamās current record of 16-4.