Morty Challenges UChicago President to 2k Throwdown
“It’s time to get real. It’s time to take those cowards down once and for all, which I will do by obliterating him in 2k.”
Category Archives: Local
Nebraska Fan Can’t Fit Ear of Corn into Clear Plastic Bag
“I wasn’t allowed to take in my lucky ear of corn because I couldn’t fit it into a clear plastic bag.”
Area Freshman Plans Trip to Skokie to Break Evanston Bubble
“The best sushi I’ve ever had,” commented Patricia Woods, WCAS ’20, a premed chemistry student, originally from Ames, Iowa. “It tastes like someone from Japan actually made it!”
Incoming Freshmen Surprised by Lack of Controversy on Campus
“I think we’ll all remain friends for most of our time here. Heck, we all wear the same purple t-shirts!”
Naked Homeless Man Mistaken for Public Commentary
“The guy was just laying down on the hot sidewalk, listless and devoid of any mental thought, but, his performance art really makes me think how fucked up our nation really is.”
NU Football Skips Right Over False Confidence Part of Season
This year Ryan Field’s atmosphere will be quite different as fans will have little to no confidence in the team as it heads into the difficult part of its schedule.
Area Freshman “Goes with the Flow,” Found Dead in Trash Can Next Day
“Man, I’ve never seen a man inject heroin and LSD so fast into his ass before.”
Northwestern Grad Receives Promotion at Denver-Based Firm
Siemian’s promotion means he will follow in the footsteps of many previous Northwestern graduates who also work long, intense hours in ultra-competitive, high-turnover professions.
Off-Campus Parties, Islamic State Too Much for Tisdahl
Sources close to the out-going mayor see how hard Tisdahl works to ease the Town and Gown and Town and Hijab relations.
Mom’s Judging Harder to Ignore During Summer
Apart from increased opportunities for face-to-face maternal judgment, sudden discoveries of school-year secrets also contribute to July’s status as the golden days of parental condescension.