New Dorm on North Campus Just Another Whole Foods
Local residents are excited about the location of Evanston’s fourth Whole Foods.
Category Archives: Local
Off-Campus Party Gross, Just Fucking Gross
“It was so damn hot in there, people were sweating like pigs, and on top of all that, the beer pong balls kept landing on the mildew in the back corner.”
Kresge Built on Ancient Student Burial Ground
“Scientists have retrieved and identified approximately 150 people from under the building, as detected by the geological survey of the site, who died under the oppressive legacy of Northwestern founder John Evans.”
Morty Challenges UChicago President to 2k Throwdown
“It’s time to get real. It’s time to take those cowards down once and for all, which I will do by obliterating him in 2k.”
Nebraska Fan Can’t Fit Ear of Corn into Clear Plastic Bag
“I wasn’t allowed to take in my lucky ear of corn because I couldn’t fit it into a clear plastic bag.”
Area Freshman Plans Trip to Skokie to Break Evanston Bubble
“The best sushi I’ve ever had,” commented Patricia Woods, WCAS ’20, a premed chemistry student, originally from Ames, Iowa. “It tastes like someone from Japan actually made it!”
Incoming Freshmen Surprised by Lack of Controversy on Campus
“I think we’ll all remain friends for most of our time here. Heck, we all wear the same purple t-shirts!”
Naked Homeless Man Mistaken for Public Commentary
“The guy was just laying down on the hot sidewalk, listless and devoid of any mental thought, but, his performance art really makes me think how fucked up our nation really is.”
NU Football Skips Right Over False Confidence Part of Season
This year Ryan Field’s atmosphere will be quite different as fans will have little to no confidence in the team as it heads into the difficult part of its schedule.
Area Freshman “Goes with the Flow,” Found Dead in Trash Can Next Day
“Man, I’ve never seen a man inject heroin and LSD so fast into his ass before.”