BREAKING: North, South Campus Different
“One major basis for our research was the discovery that North Campus residence halls have a much higher percentage of McCormick students than any residence hall south of Foster Street.”
Category Archives: Local
Area Pothead Disappointed to Learn Meaning of “Bowl-Eligible”
Sources confirmed that area pothead Sean Elvin, SESP ’19, was gravely disappointed to learn the real meaning of a “bowl-eligible” football team.
Freshman Saving Free CAPS Sessions for Winter Quarter
Local Freshman Josh Camas, WCAS ’19, has been held up in his room at Willard for the past three weeks.Camas has been going through bouts of anxiety and depression following his start at Northwestern.
Former Premed Claims Distaste for Big Pharma Caused Dropping of Chem 101
“Big Pharma runs everything, man. Those capitalist pigs are ruining the world”, exclaimed Kurt Lopez, WCAS 19’, to his roommate just seconds after dropping chem 101 on Caesar.
Halloween Not Nearly as Scary as Constant Threat of Failure
Halloween, the scariest holiday of the year by a long shot, is widely considered by undergraduate students to be less scary than the constant, looming threat of irreversible failure.
Student Can’t Get Off ISIS Listserv
“They had a cool flag and free candy, you know? I looked at their info and thought helping to establish a caliphate might look good on a resume, so I signed up for their listserv.”
Sexy Morty Costume for Sale at Norris Bookstore
Multiple sources confirmed today that a Sexy Morty Schapiro costume is being sold at The Norris Center Bookstore as part of its Halloween promotion.
Midterm Wine-and-Dines Student Before Fucking
News broke out today that a Chem 210 midterm allegedly wine-and-dined local Chemical Engineering major Tom Vogel, MEAS ’19, before relentlessly fucking him over.
An Open Letter to the Man Sitting Alone in Tech Express
I hope you’re doing well and that you’re comfortable sitting at that big table all by yourself. I can see that you like sushi based on the half-eaten Seafood Delight sitting two feet to your right.
Sororities to Include Weigh-In as Part of Preview
“The subjectivity of the selection process as it exists today endorses the objectification of women. Weigh-ins will help give us a more objective way of judging recruits, hopefully leveling the playing field.”