Got your fake ID stolen? Can’t get your upperclassmen friends to score a handle of Skol for you? Not a fan of the mouthwash taste? You won’t have to deal with these bummers if you make your own fun juice! Making your own booze in your tiny room at Plex can sound like a daunting challenge but it’s also very rewarding. Just follow these simple suggestions and you’ll be on your way to tipsyville by the end of the school
EVANSTON — The Starbucks in Norris Student Center, popularly known as “Norbucks,” recently announced it is now hiring new baristas; the training program is slated to last from now until forever. In efforts to employ more students, Norbucks will continue to hire inexperienced applicants and provide them with valuable job skills such as defrosting pound cake and differentiating between tall and small. The program is under criticism from various sororities, such as Quad-Delt, whose chapter president said Norbucks’ poor customer
EVANSTON — Continuing their long tradition of commemorating every ethnic event with a mildly offensive meal, NU Cuisine announced that Allison Hall will have a Palestine-themed meal to celebrate their recent recognition by the UN. The decision has caused some division among students. The Kosher station will rightfully become a Palestine station, according to Sodexo. Food will include Gaza chicken strips, cease-fire grilled burgers, and hummus on everything. NU Cuisine will divide Allison into three quadrants: the Israeli main room,
EVANSTON — The members of Theta Eta Zeta fraternity held an intervention this week for their brother, Cameron Cordell, who is suffering from a chronic sex addiction. “Cam has the curse of being the man at everything he does, and regrettably this applies to sex,” said fraternity president Wesley Timmons. “We need to be with him in this time of need.” The brothers called a meeting last week to sit down with Cameron, and let him know what they were
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WILMETTE, IL — While attending a Thanksgiving dinner at his cousins’ house, Northwestern Sophomore Ryan Mayled reportedly spent more time talking to his hosts’ pet dogs than to any of his distant relatives. By playing tug-of-war with the two aging Boston Terriers, Mayled successfully managed to avoid even a single venture into the living room where relatives from across the state had assembled to watch football, drink spiced apple cider, and enjoy each other’s company. Following an incredibly awkward dinner
EVANSTON — Freshmen girls were stunned when sorority Preview Day turned into something resembling a scene from 1984. Freshman Stephanie Feldman “had… no idea that… the USSR had infiltrated parts… of American culture,” pausing a few times to look over her shoulder for undercover sorority members. Feldman later tried to complain to her friends about the rigid and ridiculous nature of the event, but she was snatched away by mysterious women in black ski masks before her sentence could be
EVANSTON — As the Big Ten Conference welcomed University of Maryland as its thirteenth member, members of Norris staff were heard complaining about the consequential decoration updates to the Big Ten Room. The meeting space, located on the first floor of Norris Student Center, features stunning views of Lake Michigan and walls decorated with picture frames of memorabilia from Big Ten member schools. Most recently, a framed poster of University of Nebraska was added when the school joined the conference
PARK RIDGE, IL — Over the past several weeks, the Big Ten conference conducted talks with perennial bottom dwellers Rutgers University and the University of Maryland about adding them to the conference and making a 14-team league. This week, negotiations have concluded, and both Maryland and Rutgers will be joining the conference by 2014. “Big Ten football teams did a great job of fucking up this year by losing to almost every non-conference opponent we played, but it’s not enough,”
CLEVELAND, OH — Trans-fat gourmands everywhere mourned the loss of the Hostess Corporation on Friday when the company announced it was closing its factory doors for good. Many middle Americans, including all of the remaining Republicans in Ohio, took a break mid ho-ho bite to blame Barack and Michelle Obama for the confectionary catastrophe. “This is just another example of how Obama is bad for America,” Warren Couty resident Tammy Smith told the Flipside, brushing some cinnamon sugar off her