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NRA Lobbyist Forced to Undergo Background Check Before Purchasing Congressman

January 23, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WASHINGTON –- NRA lobbyist Jack O’Neal fumed yesterday upon learning that he would be forced to undergo an extensive background check and 5-day waiting period before purchasing a new Congressman. O’Neal, an avid collector of US representatives, claims to have purchased eight senators in the past, and proudly boasts that not a single one has been registered with the proper authorities. “I fuckin’ knew it!” O’Neal reportedly ranted to anyone in earshot. “I knew Obama was comin’ for my senators!

Norris Celebrates Forty Years, Definitely Not Jealous of Hypothetical Younger Student Center

January 23, 2013 Allison Ortega Leave a comment

EVANSTON — This year marks the 40th anniversary of Norris Student Center at Northwestern University. Though Norris is the undeniable hub for student activity on campus, talk of constructing a younger and more beautiful student center in a more central location has been gaining steam for the past few years. Even though these rumors reached Norris well before the 40th birthday celebration on January 15, staff members were still able to put on a brave face, saying, “A lot of

[The Flipside Guide to the 2013 Oscars] Zero Dark Thirty & Les Mis

January 22, 2013 Andrew Schneider One comment

With Oscar season in full swing, The Flipside is proud to present a summary of 2012’s most acclaimed films. While we aren’t making any award predictions just yet, we will be happy to take your money and place a bet for you. Peruse our reviews of the other nominees: *Argo and Django Unchained *Silver Linings Playbook and Life of Pi *Lincoln: Thoughts from a Northerner, a Southerner, and a Man Who Misheard the Title of the Film as LinkedIn *Amour,

Bears Hire Canadian as Head Coach in Hopes of Missing Playoffs

January 22, 2013 Flippy Leave a comment

CHICAGO — A recent change in head coach is the Chicago Bears’ latest step in their journey to become NFL Draft Champions for the fourth consecutive year. Instead of hiring a proven and successful NFL coach like Joe Gibbs or even an extremely successful college football coach like Nick Saban, the Bears decided to change things up by going for a coach from the Mexico of the North, Marc Trestman, head coach of the Montreal Alouettes. When he was introduced

Students Peacefully Assemble on Deering Meadow on MLK Day, Actually Just Trying to Get in to Main Library

January 21, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Faculty members in the History, Political Science, and African American Studies Departments all applauded a group of two to three hundred students who braved arctic temperatures to assemble on Deering Meadow on Monday in what university officials presumed was a celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, commemorating the numerous nonviolent protests, marches, and sit-ins of Dr. King and other activists whose collective efforts led to milestone achievements in civil rights. However, when interviewed by Flipside field reporters,

Senate Confirms Bagel as Secretary of Defense

January 20, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — The Senate today confirmed a bagel as the nation’s next Secretary of Defense in a stunning show of bipartisanship. After it became clear that the confirmation of Chuck Hagel would be an insurmountable political obstacle, President Barack Obama nominated part of his breakfast instead. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) stated, “While this bagel isn’t the ideal choice, it’s at least palatable to most members of the Senate. He’s bland, holding no controversial positions, and it is adaptable

Pablo Sanchez Inks Multi-Million Dollar Deal With New York Yankees

January 19, 2013 Dean Meisel One comment

BRONX, NY — Pablo Sanchez, the childhood baseball phenomenon made famous by Backyard Sports, has signed a seven year, $150 million dollar deal with the New York Yankees, who won a historic bidding war for the now grown-up star. Sanchez has shown unparalleled talent since he was a mere two inches tall, and could be the most promising rookie prospect in decades. “Pablo has defied logic by not only competing with major league stars, but destroying them since he was

Area Man Defriends Facebook “Friend” on Friend’s Birthday

January 19, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

MILWAUKEE, WI — Milwaukee native George Waterson defriended his Facebook friend David Debbleby Monday night. Monday was Debbleby’s birthday. “I really don’t like David,” said Waterson. “I had actually forgotten we were still Facebook friends, but I guess he was just hidden from my newsfeed.” The two became Facebook friends in 2007, when both men were in the same group for a high school English project that involved a computer slideshow presentation, a speech, a short written report, and the

[The Flipside Guide to the 2013 Oscars] Argo & Django Unchained

January 18, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

With Oscar season in full swing, The Flipside is proud to present a summary of 2012’s most acclaimed films. In the name of brevity (and to better emulate the Academy), we are pretending that The Master and Moonrise Kingdom don’t exist. Peruse our reviews of the other nominees: *Zero Dark Thirty and Les Mis *Silver Linings Playbook and Life of Pi *Lincoln: Thoughts from a Northerner, a Southerner, and a Man Who Misheard the Title of the Film as LinkedIn

Armstrong Circa 2005 Upset by “Slanderous” Remarks from Armstrong Circa 2013, Threatens to Destroy Career

January 18, 2013 Brian Lee Leave a comment

AUSTIN, TX — In recently acquired testimonies, anonymous sources report that Lance Armstrong in 2005 was extremely upset by public statements made by Lance Armstrong in 2013 regarding his doping allegations. The Flipside was told by these sources that ’05-Armstrong vowed to his closest confidants that he wanted to destroy the career of ’13-Armstrong for the “obviously-false” statements made by Armstrong. According to the sources, ’05-Armstrong went on a tirade against ’13-Armstrong, calling him “crazy,” “bitch,” and “a prostitute with