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Fraternity Holds Intervention for Brother Suffering From Sex Addiction

November 27, 2012 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

EVANSTON — The members of Theta Eta Zeta fraternity held an intervention this week for their brother, Cameron Cordell, who is suffering from a chronic sex addiction. “Cam has the curse of being the man at everything he does, and regrettably this applies to sex,” said fraternity president Wesley Timmons. “We need to be with him in this time of need.” The brothers called a meeting last week to sit down with Cameron, and let him know what they were

Comments That Didn’t Make it Through Our Spam Filter

November 26, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

Here are some of the recent comments that were blocked by the Flipside’s Uber Cyber Killer Spamfilter (no acronyms please).

More Time Spent Talking to Family Pets than Family

November 22, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WILMETTE, IL — While attending a Thanksgiving dinner at his cousins’ house, Northwestern Sophomore Ryan Mayled reportedly spent more time talking to his hosts’ pet dogs than to any of his distant relatives. By playing tug-of-war with the two aging Boston Terriers, Mayled successfully managed to avoid even a single venture into the living room where relatives from across the state had assembled to watch football, drink spiced apple cider, and enjoy each other’s company. Following an incredibly awkward dinner

2013 Sorority Recruitment to be Run by USSR

November 21, 2012 Michael Guenzl One comment

EVANSTON — Freshmen girls were stunned when sorority Preview Day turned into something resembling a scene from 1984. Freshman Stephanie Feldman “had… no idea that… the USSR had infiltrated parts… of American culture,” pausing a few times to look over her shoulder for undercover sorority members. Feldman later tried to complain to her friends about the rigid and ridiculous nature of the event, but she was snatched away by mysterious women in black ski masks before her sentence could be

Norris Staff Sick and Tired of Finding New Frames for Big Ten Room

November 20, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

EVANSTON — As the Big Ten Conference welcomed University of Maryland as its thirteenth member, members of Norris staff were heard complaining about the consequential decoration updates to the Big Ten Room. The meeting space, located on the first floor of Norris Student Center, features stunning views of Lake Michigan and walls decorated with picture frames of memorabilia from Big Ten member schools. Most recently, a framed poster of University of Nebraska was added when the school joined the conference

Big Ten Looks to be Even Shittier with Addition of Rutgers, Maryland

November 20, 2012 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

PARK RIDGE, IL — Over the past several weeks, the Big Ten conference conducted talks with perennial bottom dwellers Rutgers University and the University of Maryland about adding them to the conference and making a 14-team league. This week, negotiations have concluded, and both Maryland and Rutgers will be joining the conference by 2014. “Big Ten football teams did a great job of fucking up this year by losing to almost every non-conference opponent we played, but it’s not enough,”

Mitt Romney Buys and Bankrupts Hostess, Just to Spite Ohio

November 19, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

CLEVELAND, OH — Trans-fat gourmands everywhere mourned the loss of the Hostess Corporation on Friday when the company announced it was closing its factory doors for good. Many middle Americans, including all of the remaining Republicans in Ohio, took a break mid ho-ho bite to blame Barack and Michelle Obama for the confectionary catastrophe. “This is just another example of how Obama is bad for America,” Warren Couty resident Tammy Smith told the Flipside, brushing some cinnamon sugar off her

The Flipside’s Best Ways to Accomodate Puerto Rican Star on the U.S. Flag

November 17, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO — Puerto Rico’s majority vote for statehood this past Tuesday raised perhaps the most unsettling question of the entire campaign season. For more than fifty years, the U.S. flag has represented an achievement in both symbolism and geometry, and in that light, a 51st star could be as controversial as Obamacare. We propose here the most viable solutions to this potential configurational cataclysm: 1. Combine the Dakotas, population now about the same as New Hampshire. 2.

Jeremy Renner Selected to be the New “Daniel Craig”

November 16, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD, CA –- Representatives from EON Productions announced today that following the release of the critically-acclaimed new blockbuster Skyfall, Oscar-nominated actor Jeremy Renner has been selected to take up the mantle of playing one of cinema’s most enduring characters, Daniel Craig. Longtime “Craig” producer Barbara Broccoli personally announced the casting decision, stating that Renner had been selected from a highly competitive pool of potential Craigs, and that she had carefully monitored his career trajectory since Renner came to her attention

Area Squirrel Won’t Shut Up Outside My Window

November 15, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

NEW YORK EVANSTON — As area Flipside reporter Brian Earl was sitting down to write an article about the impact Hurricane Sandy had on the New York subway system, he was rudely interrupted by a squirrel screeching outside his window. “Hurricane Sandy Ironically Clears Subway Tunnels of Sand,” typed Earl, chuckling to his handsome self, prepared to regale the world with his brilliance. All of a sudden — and mid-word, no less — a squirrel went “MRAAP MRAAP MRAAP!” “How