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Premed Still Unsure Who Won Election

November 11, 2012 Zoe Pearl Leave a comment

SOMEWHERE DEEP WITHIN THE RECESSES OF TECH — After spending all of Tuesday night in Tech Library studying for his Orgo midterm, freshman Justin Forster emerged earlier today completely unaware of who won the presidential election. “Oh shit,” said a disheveled Forster when reached for comment. “I-I guess I was so worried about [studying] that I just completely forgot [the election] was happening. I’m not even sure how long I’ve been in there for.” Forster went on to explain that

Student Groups Reject Study Suggesting Sidewalk Flyers are Ineffective

November 10, 2012 Matt Middleton One comment

EVANSTON — A Psychology Department study shocked Northwestern student groups this week with the controversial claim that taping advertisements to the ground is not an effective way to market a club, cause, or event. For decades now, Northwestern students have been paving sidewalks with flimsy, exposed, and flamboyant pieces of paper. For the first time in Northwestern history, students are questioning the status quo and boldly considering whether they should continue to litter the streets with their short-lived posters. Some

Study: 70 Percent of Off-Campus Fraternity Members Malnourished

November 9, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON — One anthropologist and one Greek professor announced Tuesday that a four-year study shockingly revealed that 70 percent of off-campus fraternity members were severely malnourished. Their vitamin intake compared closely with the average citizen of Zambia, according to the study. “We had no idea it was this bad,” said anthropology professor Ben Harris. “It was as if they had not learned anything about caring for themselves since exiting the womb.” According to the study, most subjects, around noon and

Disney Freezes Harrison Ford

November 8, 2012 Min Lee Leave a comment

BURBANK, CA — The Walt Disney Corporation has announced that it has cryogenically frozen Harrison Ford–who portrayed Han Solo in the popular Star Wars series–in preparation for the next Star Wars movie. Robert Goldberg, a Disney executive, said in a press conference, “While Ford is a great actor, we couldn’t ignore his old age, and since we don’t want him to die on us before we start the filming process, we went ahead with the procedure.” Fans of the Star

Nation Glad To Go Back To Not Giving A Shit About Ohio

November 7, 2012 Matt Clarkston Leave a comment

COLUMBUS, OH — After an eternity of acting like the state actually matters, Americans are relieved that they are once again able to completely disregard Ohio. Due to its electoral significance, pundits, candidates, and campaigns had descended on the cultural wasteland, attempting to woo the votes of disappointed Browns and Bengals fans in every county, and bringing it to the forefront of the media’s eye for the past several months. Privately, however, campaigns had expressed dissatisfaction with their Ohio operations.

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President Obama Pledges to Eradicate Face AIDS

November 6, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

ATLANTA, EVANSTON, and DES MOINES — An anonymous Northwestern student-watchdog group has alerted the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) about a potentially deadly disease called “Face AIDS.” According to the a statement from the CDC, the previously unknown disease has in the last month spread all over the Northwestern campus. Little is known about the disease, but already an awareness campaign has started in the form of flyers around the campus, prompting the CDC to advise: “At this point, there

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Candidates Agree To Scrap Electoral College for Dick Measuring Contest

November 6, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — Despite a year of campaigning, with Election Day here, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney have decided to settle who will win the Presidency the way real men do: a cock-off. While usually a means of settling bar bets, dick measuring is not foreign to the political sphere. In fact, cock fighting was used to determine the winner in a hotly contested battle for Congress in the 19th Century, in what historians now refer to as the Cumgressional Race

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Obama-Bloomberg Friendship on the Rocks after Tepid Endorsement

November 5, 2012 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

NEW YORK CITY — New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg publically endorsed President Obama last Thursday, saying the effects of Hurricane Sandy reshaped his thinking of the presidential campaign. While many Democrats welcomed the New York mayor’s support, Obama was less than enthusiastic about the statement. The implication that Bloomberg was previously unsure of his vote, or even possibly considering to vote for the Romney/Ryan ticket, definitely shook their friendship to its very core. An inside source told The Flipside, “Barack

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Biden Accidentally Declares War on Iran

November 5, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — Vice President Joe Biden may have instigated World War III last night during a last-minute campaign stop at Georgetown University. The gaffe-prone politician was delivering a short speech encouraging students to vote when he accidentally declared war on Iran. “We’re still not entirely sure what happened,” White House aide Michael Howard explained. “One minute he’s reading from a prepared statement about the Founding Fathers and the next he’s assembling the Joint Chiefs of Staff to authorize a pre-emptive

The Flipside’s First Quadrennial Editorial Board Presidential Endorsement

November 4, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

After considering all probable consequences on ourselves, on the United States, on the whole world, and most importantly, on The Northwestern Flipside, we are proud to endorse Governor Mitt Romney and Vice President Joe Biden for president and vice president in the 2012 election.