Why are You Bringing Your Camera to Dillo Day? No, Seriously.
Do you really think you’re going to treasure that grainy photo of Big Boi in twenty years? Or in a month? Does Youtube really need more low-res Reel Big Fish footage?
Category Archives: Articles
The Good and the Bad: Dillo Day ID Policy
EVANSTON – Starting this year, any student who wants to go to the Lakefill for Dillo Day must show ID proving that they are Northwestern students, that they are 19 years of age or older, or they must be accompanied by an adult guest. Here are some of the heretofore overlooked ramifications of the ID policy. The Good: *No longer any need to ask that awkward do you even go here question *Big Boi can use his big boy words
Creepy Senior Upset No More High School Girls at Dillo Day
EVANSTON – McCormick senior Joshua Manley said Thursday that he was “really bummed” that high school students would no longer be allowed to attend Dillo Day. “I totally liked checking out those hot 17-year-olds every year. I’d give them a beer or seven and boy was Dillo Day the best day ever.” Manley’s best friend Aaron Jacobson felt similarly. “Like, why should I even bother coming to Dillo Day anymore? I can get drunk anywhere, any time. I can see
EPD Officer Wishing He Was Assigned to Reel Big Fish’s Set
EVANSTON – Following assignment postings for EPD and campus security personnel in anticipation of 2012 Dillo Day events, Evanston police officer Eric Mills, 29, expressed regret that he would not be stationed at the Lakefill for the Reel Big Fish performance. “I mean, yeah, Cold War Kids are alright and all,” Mills reportedly told his supervisor, “but Cheer Up! was one of my favorite albums back when I was in college. And I can’t think of any better way to
Purchaser of “The Scream” Also Buys Nation of Tuvalu
FUNAFUTI, TUVALU – Willy Telavi, Prime Minister of Tuvalu, was informed Friday that his nation had been sold at auction to the same man who purchased “The Scream.” Although the famous Munsch painting sold for a record $119.9 million May 2, Tuvalu went for a paltry $15 million, though this is admittedly more than twice as large as Tuvalu’s annual budget. The purchaser is determined to remain anonymous, unwilling to divulge to the public his true identity and just how
Creepy Friend Request Guy Actually Requesting Kidney, Nbd
SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a press conference last Monday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced several new updates to the timeline template, the most noteworthy being a new feature which indicates whether or not the user is an organ donor. “Eighteen people around the world die each day waiting for a heart, liver, or kidney transplant,” said Zuckerberg in a press conference, “and by adding this new feature, I hope to change that. Kind of like Bono and…AIDS, right? Bono
Scientists Debate Origins of Obama's Same Sex Marriage Stance
WASHINGTON – President Obama has stated that his views on same sex marriage are “evolving,” culminating in an interview where he announced his support for the practice. The scientific community has since been abuzz looking for theories as to why this transformation occurred. The first main camp contains the gradual evolutionists. Evolutionary Biologist William Smith summarized this position, saying, “Obama has had a long political career and has gradually adapted to a changing environment via natural selection.” He added, “Those
[Graduation Issue] English Senior Not Sure What to Do with Collection of Penguin Classics Books
“When I first signed up for British Literary Traditions back in freshmen year, I had to get copies of six novels, all published by Penguin,” recalled Lapinski. “When the quarter ended, I realized that these books are timeless classics and totally worth the space under my bed.”
[Graduation Issue] Study: 50% of Graduating Seniors Already Alcoholics
“The real world is gonna hit these poor schmucks like a sack of bricks,” Shamberg noted, sneaking sips from a hip-flask between questions.
[Graduation Issue] Senior Turns in Thesis Statement
“I’m so good at thesises,” said Weinberg Senior Kevin Pandolph. “But I hate writing the rest of the paper. I can’t believe you can get honors just for writing a thesis!”