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Girl In 6 Courses Dreads CAESAR Above All Else

May 18, 2011 Michael Davis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – With only several weeks before Spring quarter finals, some students are beginning to feel the pressure to perform well on final exams before the summer begins. However, this is not the case for Cynthia Tan, who will be finishing her second year in electrical engineering and is currently part of the BS/MS program. Though her two weeks in June are packed with exams and papers for the six courses she has been juggling throughout the quarter, Tan anticipates

Girl Mistakenly Thinks Everyone Cares Where She Is

May 18, 2011 Noah Rawitz Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In one of the most severe cases of what doctors are now calling “Look-At-Me Syndrome,” or LAMS, Weinberg sophomore Catey Jepson has developed an extreme compulsion to let as many people as possible know where she is at all times. In some instances, Jepson also lets on how she feels about where she is. “At any given time of the day, I’m certain nearly everyone is wondering where I am,” Jepson said. “I’ve made it my mission to

New Meal Plan Aims to Increase Seething Hatred towards Meal Plan

May 18, 2011 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

By Capt. David F. Xavier Rubino, M.D., Esq. EVANSTON – Northwestern students will have a whole slew of new meal plans to choose from when they return in the fall. After nearly a decade, researchers seeking the least optimal plans for the student body have finally reached a consensus. “It all started when students began voicing their complaints”, former ASG Student Life VP Matt Belassai told The Flipside. “They would fill out surveys denoting how dissatisfied they were with the

I Still Can’t Believe You Never Found Those Emails

May 18, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

By Richard M. Daley, Former Mayor of Chicago First, I need to thank the journalists. Your utter complacency and lack of fortitude has allowed me to complete my 22-year tenure without a single earth-shattering revelation of absolute corruption or depravity that could have marred this otherwise immaculate career. I mean, fuck, people! This is Illinois! This is Chicago! I bought out the last honest politician twenty years ago! Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been skimming funds since day one, but you’re

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Northwestern Cancels Sex

May 18, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

“Everyone told me that I HAD to have sex before I left Northwestern. I was going to do it next year, but I guess I’ll have to wait now.”

Area Sorority Girl Hashtags EVERYTHING, #ugh

May 12, 2011 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In an attempt to have the snarkiest Twitter of all her sassy sisters, area sorority girl Kayla Kaplan has started hashtagging everything. “It started with just small things that were actually trends like #SGP and #royalwedding. But then I thought, wait, my life is just as trendy as these tags, so I’m going to turn my life into the trends,” Kaplan said. This Quad Delt’s recent tweets have included such masterpieces as: “Spring formal was so fun! #openbar

Dept. of Defense to Release Intel on Locating Pakistan

May 12, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“‘Americans have the right to know how we’ve been working to protect them, spending ten long years for Pakistan’s exact location,’ said Anton Brownstone, who has been charge of the search since the early years of the Bush administration. . . Brownstone explained that it was his team who finally found Pakistan ‘hiding’ slightly above the Indian subcontinent.”

Congress to Prosecute Preteen Babysitters for Tax Fraud

May 12, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress passed an unprecedented bill Thursday creating an investigative task force to oversee the nation’s second-largest underground industry: babysitting. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), who sponsored the bill, explained that the bill “will not only provide an additional source of revenue for our nearly-broke government, but it will also send a message to Americans: you cannot get away with tax fraud!” The bill targets preteen and teenage babysitters, who every year collect billions of dollars of unreported income.

Schapiro Saves Tilted Kilt, Brothels

May 5, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON – “Evanston residents are at it again,” Northwestern President Morty Schapiro announced Wednesday. “They are continuing to put their own petty desires ahead of the needs of Northwestern students.” The issue in question is whether the Tilted Kilt, a local Scottish-themed “Hooters-esque” restaurant, should be granted a liquor license. Evanston residents sent city hall a resounding “NO,” having collected nearly 2,200 signatures on a petition showing their displeasure. Schapiro, however, swooped in and saved the day, using his ninja-like

Birthers Apologetic and Tolerant Following Obama’s Disclosure of a Piece of Paper

May 5, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WASHINGTON, DC- Following President Barack Obama’s release of his long-form birth certificate, Birthers nation-wide were left stunned and reticent as any lingering doubts about Obama’s legitimacy as their freely-elected leader were instantly banished, and ultra-right-wing leaders urged their constituents to engage elected officials in a polite, civil manner. Even adamant Birther Donald Trump ordered his supporters to “accept that [Obama] is our rightfully elected leader, and all future disagreements must be handled through negotiation and compromise, not chaos and thinly-veiled