Bin Laden Dead at 54; Just One Week from Retirement
ââWhatâs the worst that could happen? One week from now Iâll be in Cabo working on my tan. I just feel I owe this department one more round of duty, you know?â
Category Archives: Articles
Weather Forces Happiness Club to Disband
EVANSTON â On April 22, members of Northwesternâs Happiness Club dissolved their organization due to the 34 degree weather. For some context, it was 78 at Emory, 84 at Rice, and 69 at Vanderbilt at the time the decision was made. Just saying. âIt just wasnât worth it anymore,â said former Happiness Club president Ben Ulman. âI donât even know if there is such a thing as happiness when it’s grayer outside than the area in the Protess situation.â The
Sorority Chapter Invites Kansas City Royals to Wedding-Watch Party
EVANSTON – Anticipation turned to confused embarrassment when the sisters of the Delta Delta Delta Delta sorority realized that the âroyalsâ they had invited to their “Royal Wedding-Watch Party OMG!!!!!” event were, in fact, the Kansas City Royals, the major league baseball team. âI was like, sooo excited when I heard we were watching the royal wedding at the house,â said Quad Delt sister Becca Silverstein, âcuz my boyfriend is from Kansas City and heâs always talking about the royals
Police Surprised to Find Marijuana at Fraternity House
EVANSTON – Last week, police were stunned at what they found at a Northwestern fraternity house when they happened upon a bag of marijuana and two pieces of drug paraphernalia. Police entered the house when a âfaultyâ smoke detector went off. When asked about the situation Chief of Police Bill Carter said, he was âperplexedâ by it all. He added, âIt was just a normal day, I wrote the date, April 20th, in my ledger like any other. I did
A Somali Man to America: âCheer Up!â
This article was written by Aden Daar, a Somali villager. I was rummaging through the town landfill this morning, looking for some food for todayâs meal, when I came across a copy of last weekâs New York Times. I saw an article describing how Americans were sad. It said something about rising gas prices, unemployment, a government in disagreement, etc etc etc etc etc. Let me tell you something, America. CHEER UP! Who am I, you might ask, to order
Point-Counterpoint: The Royal Wedding
Why Do Brits Love Their Royal Family? By Andrew Schneider Seems I canât take three steps these days without someone running their yap about the royal wedding. It could just be that I consider myself a true American, with apple pie in my gut and cholesterol in my veins, but I have a truly difficult time giving any sort of a flying fuck about this wedding. Hell, I canât even stand weddings for people I know, but for whatever reason
Exclusive Look at Japan: The Movie
Who better to formulate characters, plot and emotional tension than beloved renaissance filmmaker Michael Bay?
Wide Receiver Brandon Marshall To Be Cut Twice
MIAMI – Star wide receiver Brandon Marshall may be cut twice in the span of a week. The first cut occurred seven days ago when his wife stabbed him in a domestic dispute. Several days after the incident, rumors began circulating that the Miami Dolphins would release him from the team. The move was quite unexpected considering how Marshall had been carving up the opposition last season. “The way he was knifing in between those safeties was downright impressive,” according
Bailey to Teach Introduction to the Unspeakably Obscene
The professor seeks “to open up a mature, academic dialogue about uncommon sexual practices . . . so blood-curdlingly unnatural they make Two Girls One Cup look like a Disney movie.â
Sex Week Paves Way for Abortion Month
EVANSTON – Resident sexual deviance advocate J. Michael Bailey was very proud of the student body for touching itself all last week. “Really, I am just so proud that the students of Northwestern could focus a week of their school year on something that I have held so close to my heart for my entire life. It’s a wonder to hear about the young people learning and trying new things, like experimenting with flavored lubricants, studded collars and low-voltage tasers.”