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Isaac Newton First Discovered 80085=“BOOBS”

January 12, 2011 Michael Davis Leave a comment

LONDON – Members of the Royal Society of London reported to have found evidence that Sir Isaac Newton first discovered that the number 80,085 looks a lot like the word “BOOBS”. While reviewing Newton’s original manuscripts, Professors Rob Ellington and David Barrow unearthed a document suggesting that the same man who theorized the fundamental laws of motion also noticed how to spell “BOOBS” with numbers. The text of the manuscript reads, “It would appear that the sum of eighty-thousand and

Spin̈al Tap Unveils New 11G Network

January 12, 2011 Brad Horras Leave a comment

LONDON – Legendary 1980’s rock outfit Spin̈al Tap announced plans Thursday for the release of their own 11G wireless network to rival the current 4G technology operated by carriers such as Verizon, AT&T, and T-Mobile. “These other blokes are doing, you know, 3 or 4G, but we thought…why not eleven?” explained lead guitarist Nigel Tufnel, who found inspiration from his guitar amp’s volume range – which also extends fully up to 11. Technology analysts confirm that Tap’s surprise expansion into

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FAA Mandates Sippy Cups on Flights

January 12, 2011 Brad Weinberger Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—In response to the false hijacking alarm triggered by a cup of spilled coffee last week, the FAA issued a statement Monday mandating that pilots use sippy cups on all domestic and international flights. “Drinking out of big-boy cups is a privilege, not a right,” commented FAA Administrator, Randy Babbitt. “When our pilots show they have grown up, they can have that privilege back.” Babbitt also announced today that the FAA would be issuing Mickey Mouse and Big Bird cups

Auburn Wins All the Tostitos in the World

January 12, 2011 Brian Lee Leave a comment

At press time, the street price per ounce of Tostitos chips had shot up to $1,200, leading to a resurgence of the phrase “Worth its weight in cocaine.”

2011: Where are the flying cars?

January 10, 2011 Sam Gutelle One comment

By Dermot Dinklewax Hello, my fellow male and female humanoid creatures. I think it’s time we faced some uncomfortable facts. We were lied to. It is AD 2011 – a year that should only be written in Futura Bold – and yet our automobile transportation remains squarely on the ground. COME ON, guys. It’s the future. Let’s get on that. I want to be chillin’ like Bruce Willis in The 5th Element within the next year, or I’m leaving. I’ll

Northwestern Already Trailing 21-0 in Next Year’s Bowl Game

January 3, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

“It seemed right that we should let the other team score a few times before the game started.”

Nation’s Men: Airport Pat Downs Totally Cool As Long As It’s A Chick

November 23, 2010 Brad Horras Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES – In a recent Pew research poll, 73% of American citizens cite new TSA search regulations as invasive and unnecessary, but found an overwhelming 98% of males polled are “strongly in favor” of the pat down option, as long as the officer is female. While we saw a strong trend at 85% of women feeling more comfortable with a member of their own sex conducting the search, almost all men responded with the same favor of women. “In

Following Defeat, O’Donnell Relapses into Witchcraft, Masturbation

November 10, 2010 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

“Curiously, she tends to yell Obama’s name during both.”

Girl Vomits on Phi Psi; Second Hate Crime of Halloween Eve

November 10, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In a shocking display of prejudice, Ashlee Jones, Delta Zeta sorority sister, threw up on the front steps of Phi Psi’s fraternity house Saturday night. Jones, who was dressed up as “sexy Big Bird,” consumed three Jello shots at Delta Upsilon, five Natty Lights at Pike, and one “something fucking delicious” at Lodge. “This was obviously an attack on Phi Psi. She didn’t get the alcohol from us. Her stomach contents were her metaphorical pen, hate her message,” said Phi Psi

Baseball Proves Football Superior to Hockey, says New Yorker

November 10, 2010 Jared Tyler Leave a comment

NEW YORK—The baseball season officially reached its end last Monday when the Giants won the World Series over the Rangers in five games. Experts cite many factors supporting the outcome, such as the Giants’ deep pitching staff, their home-field advantage, and their timely hitting. However, one fan from Queens, NY uses a much simpler reason to explain why the Giants beat the Rangers: “Hockey sucks”. “You agree, right? Hockey does suck compared to football,” continued New Yorker Marissa Miller. “Football