Apple Releases Lion, Thirty-seven Dead at Microsoft
Microsoft reps: “We were still recovering from Snow Leopard. That fucker has really messed up our customer base in Siberia.”
Category Archives: Articles
Area Man Purchases Kindle, Forgets He Doesn’t Give Two Shits about Reading
EVANSTON—Evanston resident and self-described “gadget nerd” Eric Thompson spent nearly $200 on an Amazon Kindle today despite the fact that he hasn’t read a book in nearly three years. “I just feel like these things are the future of reading, you know?” Thompson stated from the couch in his living room. “These e-ink screens are all the rage now, and I feel like if I don’t buy one of these babies, I won’t be able to read anything when physical
President of New Hipster Frat: We Were Greek Before it was Cool
EVANSTON—A new fraternity has recently joined the 17 nationally-recognized fraternities at Northwestern. Informally dubbed the “Hipster Frat,” the organization is currently unnamed. According to president Hudson Tyler, undecided Weinberg junior, frat names are too “mainstream” for the group. The fraternity claims that with its laid-back atmosphere it will offer an “alternative” experience at a college where everyone on North Campus except the Slivka kids are involved in Greek life. With a toss of his unwashed bangs, member Charles Kingston assured
Evanston Vampires Pretty Damn Tired of Spending All Their Time at Burger King
EVANSTON—If you ask any member of the Evanston vampire community, you’ll find they have something that’s been bothering them: they are getting pretty goddamn tired of spending all their time at Burger King. According to one such vampire, Count Wilhelm Von Terror, the Evanston undead scene lacks nearly all the amenities found in nearly all other cities. “Basically, you have two types of vampire hotspots around the world. There are your old vampire communities like Transylvania, where you spend most
Medill Innocence Project Successfully Causes Two Students to Lose Virginity
EVANSTON—The Medill Innocence Project, one of Northwestern’s hallmark programs, is known for freeing innocent citizens from death row, but that wasn’t enough for Professor David Protess. In order to give students the breadth of experience promised in the curriculum, Protess has begun mandating that students lose their innocence in order to fully understand it. “Students can undertake this assignment a variety of ways, including reverse cowgirl,” said Protess, winner of the Puffin Institute Prize for Creative Citizenship and once voted
“Don’t Worry, Cubs Will Win Super Bowl Someday,” Reports Area Girlfriend
CHICAGO—While watching the popular Fox show Glee, Abbey Ladder misinterpreted her boyfriend’s apparent disgust for the show. “I know it’s got a lot of singing in it, but it’s really not as gay as you say it is,” Abbey protested to Gary Bender, her boyfriend of one year. It was not the show that was bothering him, but one of the promotions for postseason baseball. “Not seeing the Cubs in the World Series always instills an unwavering anger in me.
Ecstasy Discovered in Hot Cookie Bar, Riots Ensue
It’s like “special” brownies, but the cookie version.
Chilean Miners Surprised to See Humans Have Yet to Evolve
COPIAPO, CHILE—Chilean miners were taken aback last Tuesday when they emerged from the mine to a world almost identical to the one they had left. “To be honest, we were imagining a Planet of the Apes scenario. At the very least, we assumed people would have evolved past the point of chinstrap facial hair,” Jose Rodriguez, the second miner to emerge, said. The miners listed the economic crisis, the Gulf Coast oil remnants, and world hunger as problems they couldn’t
Howard Dean Disappoints Debate Crowd With Lack Of Funny Noises
In front of a full Pick-Staiger auditorium last Wednesday, Howard Dean disappointed many supporters by not making any funny noises during his debate with former senator Rick Santorum. Dean’s constituency was devastated.
GBFF Found Cheatinnnn
EVANSTON—Twelve girls were horrified last Thursday to discover that Lazarus, their “GBFF” (or “gay best friend forever”), was not only on BFF status with all of them but is also not even gay. “That tramp is bisexual,” exclaimed girl #4. “I saw him hooking up with some chick at PIKEtoberfest… fucking skank.” Lazarus is being accused of not only swearing BFF allegiance via text to each of these ladies, but also spoiling them to numerous Facebook wall posts and Evanston