Only Girl in Your Compsci Class is Totally Into You
âShe looks almost directly at me exactly once a class! Itâs so hot, sheâs totally hitting on me,â said clueless McCormick freshman, Alec Thatcher.
Category Archives: Articles
Budget Crisis Means Only Holiday Music in Norris is Morty Singing âLittle Drummer Boyâ
With the budget crisis in full effect, Northwestern might not have anything to deck the halls with, but that hasnât stopped Northwestern President Morton Schapiro from attempting to spread the good cheer.
New Executive Order Is Just Book of Leviticus
At press time, President Trump had already cancelled the executive order after realizing that it would have banned slander, lying, showing partiality to the rich, and of course, letting your hair become unkempt.
Op-Ed: My Roommateâs Hundreds of Bees Shouldnât Count as Emotional Support Animals
“He claims the buzzing soothes him, but the constant droning has barred me from sleep since this quarter started.”
Northwestern Professors Now Selling PowerPoint Ad Space to Close Budget Gap
Schapiro insisted that selling ad space is not mandatory. However, his rule that those who did not comply would have to spend a night as a Bobb RA has made PowerPoint ads quite popular among professors.
Jeff Sessions Recalled to Santaâs Workshop Unexpectedly Early
In a surprise move, the White House announced Wednesday that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had resigned to return to his seasonal gig at Santaâs workshop. In a statement read by Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the administration called Sessionâs departure âregrettable but necessary.â The statement lamented that the Christmas season is starting âearlier and earlierâŠlike, its not even Thanksgiving but CVS is already playing Michael BublĂ© tracks on repeat.â Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein spoke Thursday about the personal impact
Pat Fitzgerald Advises Struggling Chem Student to Wrap Up, Remember the Fundamentals
Premed student Charlie Nigam, WCAS â20, was delighted and confused by a surprise phone call from Pat Fitzgerald, in which the head football coach told him the secret to passing his upcoming chemistry midterm was to wrap up and remember the fundamentals.
Prior To Resigning, Jeff Sessions Jails One More Minority For âOld Timesâ Sakeâ
“I knew that I had to go out with one last humdinger.â
JB Pritzker Launches Two Month Long âThank Youâ Ad Campaign
âI thought, âNo, that’s not possible. I thought we were done with this. Why is he back? For Godâs sake, why is he back?ââ
Journalist Killing Breaks Long Tradition of Free Speech and Progressivism in Saudi Arabia
The international community has been bewildered, with multiple UN representatives expressing disbelief over the historically peaceful Middle-Eastern nation suddenly cracking down on freedom of the press.