[Graduation Issue] Study: 50% of Graduating Seniors Already Alcoholics
âThe real world is gonna hit these poor schmucks like a sack of bricks,â Shamberg noted, sneaking sips from a hip-flask between questions.
Category Archives: Sci/Tech
Facebook Already Planning to Coat Everything in Shitty Sepia Filters
PALO ALTO, CA â Following a billion-dollar acquisition of popular photo-sharing app Instagram, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has announced a complete overhaul of Facebook’s user interface featuring Instagramâs characteristic âvintageâ filters. The new interface will be launched without any warning to users within the next week. âThis may be the biggest re-design weâve ever done,â Zuckerberg declared from Facebookâs Palo Alto headquarters. âExpect some major Instagram integration in the coming days. Like pictures of lakes at sunset? Thereâs gonna be
Jesusâ Face on Toast Turns Out to be Flesh-Eating Fungus
FRANKFORT, KY â Adam Curtis found new religious convictions Thursday when he noticed that the burn-marks on his toast formed the image of his lord and savior Jesus Christ. The âburn-marks,â however, later proved to be a new type of deadly fungus, since named Corpus devoratus. âI was scramblin’ eggs while my toast was toastin’,â said Curtis, his eyes twinkling with his recently-discovered love of God, his cheeks black and decaying with the mold that will soon cause his death.
New CTEC Categories to Include Quality of Rec Letters, BS Tolerance
EVANSTON – Recent aesthetic changes to the Course and Teacher Evaluation Council (CTEC) will be followed up with entirely new categories at the end of Winter quarter, according to one Registrar administrator. “We were getting complaints from the students that teachers and classes weren’t accurately reflected by prior CTEC scores,” Alice Andrews told Flipside reporters. “We submitted a survey to a good portion of the student body and will soon add new categories that better reflect what NU students look
Northwestern Unveils New Meme Studies Major
EVANSTON – In a move to appeal to an increasingly Internet-centric youth, Northwestern University will be offering a major in Meme Studies, Assistant Dean for Curriculum Joan Linsenmeier announced yesterday. Northwestern will become the first major university to offer a degree in the up-and-coming science of Internet memes. This announcement comes in response to years of student petitions for the university to offer a full major in studying Internet memes â which, for those uninitiated in Internet culture, is defined
[Future Issue: 2161] Robot Jesus Reported Crucified
AUSTIN, TX â The lifeless body of Ultra Jesus 3000 has been retrieved from a cross at the summit of Comanche Peak. The 33-month old robot, hailed as the messiah of a fringe religious cult, is suspected to have been tortured and killed by a group of fundamentalist Christians, though early reports indicate that most Texans intend to blame the Jews anyway. The enigmatic robot has been shrouded in mystery since his date of programming, and many wild and varied
Man returns iPhone 4S after alleged sexual harassment
TOPEKA – One man of Tecumseh, Kansas who prefers to be referred to only as âBrian,â is filing charges against Apple for sexual harassment by the new iPhoneâs voice-recognizing assistant. âIt all started off alright,â Brian said, âI was excited about the new update, I unboxed it right away…it all seemed so normal.â Brian says that he shouldâve taken the phoneâs first interaction with him more seriously. âI started it up, and the first thing it said was, âWhatâs your
New Cognitive Disease Causes Millions To Use Hashtags, Annoys Billions Of Others
EVANSTON – An infectious disease causing millions of people to insert pound signs followed by senseless clichĂ©s at the end of all their typed sentences is quickly becoming a global pandemic. First affecting only attention-seeking Twitter addicts, the virus has now spread to Facebook users, Google Plus members, and countless others, essentially annoying the living fuck out of anyone on Earth who has yet to catch the sickness. âFacebook is bad enough as it is. Whiny status updates about how
Girl Mistakenly Thinks Everyone Cares Where She Is
EVANSTON – In one of the most severe cases of what doctors are now calling âLook-At-Me Syndrome,â or LAMS, Weinberg sophomore Catey Jepson has developed an extreme compulsion to let as many people as possible know where she is at all times. In some instances, Jepson also lets on how she feels about where she is. âAt any given time of the day, Iâm certain nearly everyone is wondering where I am,â Jepson said. âIâve made it my mission to
Fermilab Finds New Elementary Particle
BATAVIA, IL – Last Thursday, Fermilab researchers announced that after smashing a lot of things together moving really really fast, they finally discovered a new fundamental particle. Scientists have decided to call the particle a âbrickon.â âAt first we didnât know what to make of this particle,â said Fermilab scientist Carl Jacobs. âIn the past, we have observed entities that look like larger, differently colored versions of brickons, but this is the first time we have truly observed the particle