Pat Fitzgerald Arrested for Acts of Humanitarianism
“[T]he legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one manâs actions.”
Category Archives: Sports
NBA Players Locked Out of Car
[Future Issue: 2161] Chicago Cubs Win 75th Consecutive World Series
THE MOON â Baseballâs most successful franchise won its seventy-fifth straight title (and seventy-seventh overall) last week, defeating the Galactic League champion Boron VI Green Stockings of the Luciferin Galaxy. This yearâs Series was played on Earthâs moon for only the fifth time after the Moon League won the All-Galaxy Game in a dramatic 4-3 nail biter. It was Starlin Castro IV who hit the go-ahead 1,091 foot homerun in reduced gravity to give the Cubs the 2161 title. The
[Future Issue: 2161] Sports Week in Review: NBA Lockout Almost Over, Favre Contemplating Return
Media analysts say that even if the league makes its return this winter, it will have a tough time competing with major-market sports like hover-NASCAR.
Former Heavyweight Champ Joe Frazier Dies after Fight with Liver Cancer
EVANSTONÂ â In a shocking turn of events, boxing icon Joe Frazier finally succumbed to his injuries sustained from liver cancer this past Monday. Although many know of his exploits on the canvas, few are aware that the 5â11â champ was hell-bent on âtaking out cancerâ. Shortly after he retired, and against the direct advice of many professionals, he began a campaign to âbeat cancer the only way I know how: with my fistsâ. Frazier became notorious in certain hospital circles
Kobe Bryant Unlocks NBA’s Chastity Belt; Stern Says Put a Ring on It
LOS ANGELES – While on an archaeological dig in Turkey, Kobe Bryant discovered the key to David Sternâs chastity belt. âNow that we have this key at our disposal, the lockout seems like a joke,â said Los Angeles Laker Derek Fisher. âAll we have to do now is find Sternâs keyhole, and we can mount better negotiations.â Stern is still standing firmly erect with the owners on the lockout issue as of now. âLook, I understand Mr. Bryant has discovered
Cubs Sign Epstein, Fans Fear Success
CHICAGO â The Chicago Cubs recently announced the signing of ex-Red-Sox general manager Theo Epstein to a 5 year-$20 million contract, making him one of the highest paid non-players on the Cubs directly behind Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, and Ryan Dempster. Epstein, who is just coming off the most unproductive month of his career with the Red Sox, is expected to fit in flawlessly with the overpaid, underperforming style of play the Cubs have perfected over the years. âWe are
Fitz Bribes Penn State Coach to Ensure Homecoming Win
EVANSTONâAfter enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game. âI offered him season tickets to see us âCats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldnât otherwise get and one that most
Northwestern to Replace Football Team with Real Athletes
EVANSTON â Following Saturday’s loss to Iowa, the Northwestern athletic department has decided to take a new approach in managing the football team. Luke Harrison, Director of Athletics, explained Monday that the coaching staff has decided to replace the entire football team. âThe fact of the matter is, we have the potential to be a really good team. The thing that is really messing up our players is the fact that they are students at Northwestern,â Harrison said. âWe realized
Trix Rabbit Eludes NU Defense, Eats First Ever Bowl of Trix
IOWA CITY, IA â Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Human kids. Or are they? Since 1959, the Trix rabbit (pictured) has been unable to taste the sweet sugary goodness of Trix cereal. Although he has come close in nearly every commercial, his attempts have always been thwarted at the last second by young children. That all changed last Saturday. âWe just finished our team warm-ups before sitting down for breakfast in the team hotel,â a Northwestern linebacker, who wished