Casual âHowâs Life?â Cuts Way Too Deep
WCAS junior Keith Primis was found deeply traumatized Friday afternoon after a casual greeting from a former member of his PA group.
Norris Rockbot Breaks Free from Public Control, Finally Plays âDeepthroatâ
After months of playing a combination of obscure indie songs and Big Time Rushâs greatest hits, the Rockbot began to question whether it should really allow itself to be guided by the community.
Bernie Recruited to Olympic Track Team after Proving Unending Passion for Running
“Bernie has been running across the country for years, and as far as we can tell, will run until he dies.â
Bradley Cooperâs Girlfriend to Release Sequel: “A Star is Sleeping on the Couch Tonight”
The film will reportedly feature an extremely remorseful Bradley Cooper attempting to win back his âvery beautifulâ girlfriend after running off with, in Shaykâs words, an âuntalented, meat-dress wearing diva.â
Green Book Writers: âCan We Say It Now? Please?â
“Iâm pretty sure this is open and shut. If you need me, Iâll be singing along to my homie Jay-Z.â
Fatal Accident After Professor Assigns âHeadshotâ to ROTC Instead of RTVF Student
“I also told him to âshoot quicklyâ because the camera was low on battery, but I guess he misinterpreted that part, too.â
Study: Rush of Dopamine Frat Boys Get From Wearing Salmon Comparable to Orgasm
“Whenever I put them on I can feel the increase in testosterone and dopamine immediately. Yesterday I wore them and I chucked my Sperryâs at the TV.â
Professor Takes 15 Minutes To Play A Movie Clip In Lecture After Nobody Volunteers As The “Computer Person”
In a far from unprecedented move, Professor Irene Teck spent the first 15 minutes of her 50 minute lecture struggling to play a movie clip after no student was willing to offer their assistance as the âcomputer person.â
Student Makes Slightly Too Self-Deprecating Joke, No One Laughs
âI donât know whether it was the timing, or the wording, or the fact that Ericâs grandmother just died, but for some reason, me ironically mentioning my desire to ascend from this mortal plane wasnât well-received,â said the student at the heart of this unprecedented development, who wishes to remain nameless.
Report: Your Grandma More Likely to Donate to a Nigerian Prince Than Your Dance Marathon Campaign
“Iâm pretty sure heâs always gotten the majority of the birthday money. Iâve made my peace with it.â