Jesus Cancels Another Reunion Tour
While Jesus was unavailable for comment, as he has been for the past two millennia, Pope Francis released a statement on his behalf.
Student Comforted by Fact that a 107% on Final Can Save Her Grade
âMy mother always told me that the final determines your grade,â claimed Harrison. âClass attendance, homework, and midterms are pretty much inconsequential.â
ASG Builds New Ramp or Something
It remains unclear whether ASGâs new measure promotes accessibility, inclusion, or both accessibility and inclusionâbut either way, it marks a huge step toward wellness and sustainability and equity.
FBI Investigation Uncovers Vast Network of Bribes, Also Known as âAlumni Donationsâ
âIt took 100 agents with very cool magnifying glasses and two K-9 units to get the job done.â
Hollywood Not Yet Sexist Enough, Plans To Release â12 Angry Womenâ About A Dozen Jurors With Synced-Up Cycles
âFuck you, Sheila, I can write women,â
Evanston Liquor Store Owner Who Accepts Dining Dollars Becomes 4th Richest Man on Earth
Greg Arridal announced that he was partnering with Morty Shapiro to start accepting Dining Dollars at his store and within the same day, every student had burned through all their dining dollars, and Arridal went out of stock within 3 hours.
Nick Jonas Recieves Wedding Bill, Immediately Announces Return of the Jonas Brothers
As any divorced couple knows, a wedding isnât all fun and games though. It is only natural for a couple to look at the mountains of food, hordes of dancers, and thousands of invitations–and then immediately look to their bank statements.
Kelly Must Go Directly to Jail Again, Cannot Pass âGoâ, Cannot Collect $200
“Uh, he picked a card from Community Chest. It happens pretty frequently. Are you a real journalist?â
A Cappella Group Quietly Removes âSmooth Criminalâ/âIgnitionâ Mash-Up from Setlist
Yesterday The Rotary Tones posted on their Facebook that they would be performing a mash-up of Ro Jamesâ âPermissionâ and Aretha Franklinâs âRespect.â
Local Perv Excited For Mosquitoes To Suck Him This Spring
One uncomfortably-mustachioed student, however, looks forward to something a little different: the onset of mosquitoes sucking fluids from his body.