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Gothic Rock Band “The Flying Buttresses” a Soaring Success

October 25, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

HAMBURG, Holy Roman Empire – From the far West of Berlin to distant East Amsterdam, the entire world is up in arms over the hellfire hot new band The Flying Buttresses. With a repertoire full of popular ballads like “Hey You, Get off of My Pew,” “Us and Him,” and “I’ve Got 95 Theses but a Byzantine Ain’t One,” The Flying Buttresses are the most successful band in the Empire since The Painted Glass. The Flying Buttresses have vaulted to

Midterm to Test Freshmen’s Basic Human Skills

October 25, 2011 Tom Schroeder One comment

EVANSTON – The Group for Training Freshmen in Observance, or GTFO, released a statement Monday demanding that all freshmen be forced to take a midterm exam grading them on their life skills. This exam will test students in 3 major categories of living, including not annoying the shit out of people, not looking like a dumbass, and personal hygiene. Questions under the first category will cover topics such as having a public break-up in the 3rd floor lounge, saving seats

Kobe Bryant Unlocks NBA’s Chastity Belt; Stern Says Put a Ring on It

October 25, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES – While on an archaeological dig in Turkey, Kobe Bryant discovered the key to David Stern’s chastity belt. “Now that we have this key at our disposal, the lockout seems like a joke,” said Los Angeles Laker Derek Fisher. “All we have to do now is find Stern’s keyhole, and we can mount better negotiations.” Stern is still standing firmly erect with the owners on the lockout issue as of now. “Look, I understand Mr. Bryant has discovered

Boreas, Greek God of Winter, Seeks to Smite Northwestern

October 25, 2011 Richie Hoffman Leave a comment

Gaddafi’s Friends and Family Reminisce About Crazy Motherfucker

October 25, 2011 Richie Hoffman Leave a comment

Congress Would Rather Sit on Their Asses

October 25, 2011 Tara McManus Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – Congress has voted down the latest edition of President Obama’s jobs bill that would have legally required Americans to get jobs. The proposal was met with fierce opposition from Congressmen who would rather sit on their asses instead. The vote has been interpreted by political analysts as a legislative act defending the rights of the lazy. Senators gave impassioned speeches about the freedom to “do absolutely nothing” and to “be a couch potato,” saying that Americans have a

Northwestern Professor Has No Fucking Clue How to Use a Microphone

October 19, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

Northwestern Professor Has No Fucking Clue How to Use a Microphone

Prisoner Release Stalled While Israelis Refused to Pay Shipping & Handling

October 18, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

JERUSALEM – Efforts to secure Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit’s release after five years of captivity hit an unexpected obstacle at the 11th hour Tuesday morning. Israeli officials were up in arms over a $4.99 shipping and handling surcharge levied by Gaza militant leaders Hamas, reportedly threatening to issue a charge-back on the MasterCard if Hamas “continually refuse[d] to honor the original arrangement.” Despite threats of an Israeli walk-out, tensions were finally relieved as Hamas graciously agreed to waive the fee

Cubs Sign Epstein, Fans Fear Success

October 18, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs recently announced the signing of ex-Red-Sox general manager Theo Epstein to a 5 year-$20 million contract, making him one of the highest paid non-players on the Cubs directly behind Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, and Ryan Dempster. Epstein, who is just coming off the most unproductive month of his career with the Red Sox, is expected to fit in flawlessly with the overpaid, underperforming style of play the Cubs have perfected over the years. “We are

Fitz Bribes Penn State Coach to Ensure Homecoming Win

October 18, 2011 Laken Howard Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game. “I offered him season tickets to see us ‘Cats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldn’t otherwise get and one that most