Midwest Celebrates Beginning of Black History Month with a Whiteout
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Pro Bowl 2011: AFC Quarterbacks Throw More Interceptions Than Completions; No One Cares
Americans Confused at Not Being Subject of Middle Eastern Protests
Texting While Jihad-ing: It Can Wait
TRIBAL PAKISTAN â Authorities recently revealed that a would-be Russian suicide bomberâs vest detonated prematurely in the outskirts of Moscow. The terrorist, who was scheduled to attack Red Square, was killed in her safe house after receiving an automated âHappy New Yearâ text from her wireless provider. In the following days, Al-Qaeda has launched a new PSA aimed at keeping their bombersâ phones where they belong: strapped to cases of PETN and ball-bearings. The new campaign, spearheaded by New York
Error Report Baffles Microsoft
âI don’t get it. The âDonât Sendâ option has always been the default. The damned thing is already highlighted to draw the userâs attention.â
Apple-Brand Livers Built to Fail After Two Years
Apple-Brand Livers Built to Fail After Two Years
Evanston Police Create New Brothel-lizer
EVANSTON – Keeping with the historically progressive nature of the Evanston government, the police department issued a new technique to limit public unrest: the brothel-lizer. The brothel-lizer is an oblong white tube inserted anally to check for brothel residue. âI might not be a proctologist,â said deputy chief Victor Rudo, âbut working at the police department has given me plenty of experience fucking kids up the ass.â âMetaphorically,â he added. Evanston officials are considering the addition of a volunteer brothel-lizing
Coat Strategically Placed at Party for Quick, Drunk Exit
EVANSTON â Jessica Stamford, a student first and partier second, has found ways to become more efficient and economical with her weekly drinking binges. The pre-med sophomore has developed a foolproof plan to get drunk quickly and go to sleep early enough that she can get a head start on Organic Chemistry the next morning. âBeing a pre-med, Iâve got some tough classes, but that doesnât mean I canât get my party on every Friday and Saturday night for thirty
Construction Begins To Convert Tech Into Ski Slope
EVANSTON â University president Morton Schapiro has revealed plans to build a gigantic indoor ski slope on the property currently occupied by the engineering school building. Known to students as âTech,â the multi-billion-dollar facilities that make up the complex will be replaced by a snowy mountain resort for the studentsâ leisure. According to Schapiro, landscaping crews will make room for the winter-themed amusement park by relocating the Robert R. McCormick School for Engineering, the Ford Design Center, and the Northwestern
Brothel Rule to Have Little Effect on Actual Brothels
Senior Brothel Patron Rob Von Dud II In a recent legal brouhaha, the City of Evanston decided to begin enforcing an arcane âbrothel law,â with Northwestern declining to contest the law and instead just taking it without complaint. The students, on the other hand, are far from satisfied, and have decided not to take it lying down. The law, which makes it illegal for more than three unrelated people to live together, will significantly increase rates as students race to