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Evanston Announces Reinstatement of Skipping Ban, Retracts Statement Five Seconds Later

February 2, 2011 Alex Chudler Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Evanston officials announced earlier today that an outdated law banning skipping anywhere in the city will be reinstated starting next month. “Anyone found moving in a light, springy manner by bounding forward with alternate hops on each foot will be arrested,” said Jerry Murton, Evanston’s Division Manager of Building and Inspection Services, at a press conference. “Whether the perpetrator is seen skipping in a store, on the street or in their own home, whether they are 6 years old or

Midwest Celebrates Beginning of Black History Month with a Whiteout

February 2, 2011 Brian Lee Leave a comment

Pro Bowl 2011: AFC Quarterbacks Throw More Interceptions Than Completions; No One Cares

February 2, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

Americans Confused at Not Being Subject of Middle Eastern Protests

February 2, 2011 Brian Lee Leave a comment

Texting While Jihad-ing: It Can Wait

February 2, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

TRIBAL PAKISTAN – Authorities recently revealed that a would-be Russian suicide bomber’s vest detonated prematurely in the outskirts of Moscow. The terrorist, who was scheduled to attack Red Square, was killed in her safe house after receiving an automated “Happy New Year” text from her wireless provider. In the following days, Al-Qaeda has launched a new PSA aimed at keeping their bombers’ phones where they belong: strapped to cases of PETN and ball-bearings. The new campaign, spearheaded by New York

Error Report Baffles Microsoft

February 2, 2011 Noah Rawitz Leave a comment

“I don’t get it. The ‘Don’t Send’ option has always been the default. The damned thing is already highlighted to draw the user’s attention.”

Apple-Brand Livers Built to Fail After Two Years

January 31, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

Apple-Brand Livers Built to Fail After Two Years

Evanston Police Create New Brothel-lizer

January 27, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Keeping with the historically progressive nature of the Evanston government, the police department issued a new technique to limit public unrest: the brothel-lizer. The brothel-lizer is an oblong white tube inserted anally to check for brothel residue. “I might not be a proctologist,” said deputy chief Victor Rudo, “but working at the police department has given me plenty of experience fucking kids up the ass.” “Metaphorically,” he added. Evanston officials are considering the addition of a volunteer brothel-lizing

Coat Strategically Placed at Party for Quick, Drunk Exit

January 27, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Jessica Stamford, a student first and partier second, has found ways to become more efficient and economical with her weekly drinking binges. The pre-med sophomore has developed a foolproof plan to get drunk quickly and go to sleep early enough that she can get a head start on Organic Chemistry the next morning. “Being a pre-med, I’ve got some tough classes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get my party on every Friday and Saturday night for thirty

Construction Begins To Convert Tech Into Ski Slope

January 27, 2011 Michael Davis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – University president Morton Schapiro has revealed plans to build a gigantic indoor ski slope on the property currently occupied by the engineering school building. Known to students as “Tech,” the multi-billion-dollar facilities that make up the complex will be replaced by a snowy mountain resort for the students’ leisure. According to Schapiro, landscaping crews will make room for the winter-themed amusement park by relocating the Robert R. McCormick School for Engineering, the Ford Design Center, and the Northwestern