Obama to Delay Trump’s Inauguration with Four-Year Farewell Address
The address will be supplemented by recurring segments on fashion trends, daily sports picks, and live reactions to Trump tweets.
Category Archives: Archives
Weinberg Junior to Attempt Eighth Different Note-Taking Method
Having already found that his grade decreases as his distance from the lecturer increases, Isaacs hopes to find a similar pattern through his increasingly robust data on what factors correlate most with success.
Trump Nominates Penis for Secretary of Agriculture
The truly unpresidented move comes as a surprise for the country, though it is not unusual considering his string of cabinet nominations that seem to involve people whose beliefs represent the opposite of the jobs to which they were appointed.
Diverse Fraternity Gets Second Black Guy
Coming on the heels of Beta Beta Beta’s ground-breaking decision last year to get their first black guy, this diverse fraternity is once again shifting the paradigm of what it means to be inclusive.
Alice Millar Vandals Sentenced to Literal Slap on the Wrist
“We wanted to rise above the limitations of metaphor and really drive home the lack of consequences.”
Nate Silver Takes IHOP Server Opening
So far, IHOP executives are “excited to have him aboard” and describe him as doing a very good job.
Trump Generously Offers Clinton the Position of Secretary
The Trump transition team suggested that the job offer was Hillary’s biggest win since the popular vote.
Weed So Totally Legal, Dude
Mimsy, a fucking moron, agrees that weed lets people connect and try to get along.
Electoral College Hit with Title IX Violation
The Electoral College has been found to be in violation of several Title IX statutes regarding gender equality.
AP Calls Illinois for Clinton Before Polls Even Open
“It’s the AP’s journalistic duty to report news when it happens or when we make it.”