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Wildside to offer fifths of vodka to help boost attendance at sporting events

December 3, 2018 M.A. Galloway Leave a comment

Forget free t-shirts and food, the Northwestern Wildside is ready to get you shmacked. Desperate to increase student attendance at sporting events, the Wildside advertised free fifths of vodka to the first 100 students who showed up to the women’s basketball game on Thursday. “What our student body lacks in school spirit, it makes up for in alcoholism,” said Wildside president Lindsey Carlson. Initially, the Wildside was worried that students would leave when they started handing out fifths of rum

NU and Ohio State Fans Bond Pregame with Indy Favorite, Meth

December 2, 2018 Flippy Leave a comment

The bitter rivalry between Northwestern and Ohio State fans sparked by the Big Ten Championship Game this Saturday came to a surprisingly peaceful conclusion at a local tailgate with the help of a Hoosier classic. When Northwestern football fan, Bill Werner, initially crashed the tailgate, it appeared relatively ordinary. “I wandered into a backyard and started eating the nearest hot dog,” said Werner. “Next thing I knew, the meth pipe was in my hand.” “The Northwestern fans started out chanting

Plans to Include SpongeBob in Avengers 4 Canned Following Deaths of the Only Two People Who Wanted It

December 2, 2018 Richard Godsel Leave a comment

A previously unreleased concept art poster shows him alongside the other heroes with the tagline, “Forget Infinity War: Thisis the most ambitious cross-over in history.”

Read more Entertainment, Featured, No. 263

Count von Count Tabbed to Handle Election Recount Process

November 28, 2018 Billy OHandley Leave a comment

Sadly, Mr. Von Count was not able to meet with election board officials before the races were officially called.

Hillary 4: Apocalypse Unleashed Slated For Fall 2020 Release

November 28, 2018 Abby Furdak Leave a comment

The series has been around for so long that critics aren’t sure what new material Hillary 4: Apocalypse Unleashed can offer.

Smokey The Bear Can’t Believe This Was The Week He Went On Vacation

November 18, 2018 Rebecca Siems Leave a comment

“I just wanted one week. ONE GODDAMN WEEK OF MAGIC IN THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH.”

The House Isn’t the Only Thing Turning Blue, Claims Frat Boy Participating in No Nut November

November 18, 2018 Shelby Schultz Leave a comment

“My grandfather in a bikini won’t cut it anymore,” claimed Anderson, “for the Senate or for stopping my arousal.”

Morty Tries To Cut SESP Budget, Surprised To Find It Doesn’t Exist

November 15, 2018 Christopher Li Leave a comment

The School of Education and Social Policy, or SESP, is the latest Northwestern institution to fall victim to the recent wave of attempted budget cuts. However, President Morty Schapiro was shocked to find out that SESP does not have a budget in the first place. In an official statement, Morty expressed his disappointment in light of this startling turn of events. “Not gonna lie, I’m pretty bummed. I was hoping to cop at least a few thousand,” he admitted. “I

Breaking: SchoolDude Actually Just New “Scream into the Void” Software

November 14, 2018 Ben Moskow Leave a comment

Each “inquiry” was immediately transferred to the trash on President Morton Schapiro’s laptop, which he allegedly empties every two hours because he “likes the sound it makes”.