Something Happens in United Kingdom; No One Understands It
The liberal party had reason to be chuffed with the big argy-bargy over the EU turning into a big bowl of codswallop with May’s failure to pass a Brexit divvy plan 432-202.
Category Archives: Featured
Northwestern Revealed To Be Located On A Tear In The Space-Time Continuum Where Sex Doesn’t Exist
The global scientific community is on indefinite hiatus after the miraculous discovery that Northwestern University is located on an unprecedented tear in the space-time continuum where sexual intercourse is a non-extant phenomenon. Said top quantum physicist Harold Campbell of the (admittedly not-so-shocking) discovery, “We’re quite surprised that such a tear in the fabric of reality is scientifically feasible. No one, however, is surprised that the one known location in the universe to subvert years of astronomical understanding of time, space,
Student Has Seizure After Drinking Reckless Mixture of Powerade and Sprite (“Blue Lightning”) at Dining Hall
A Northwestern student has been admitted to Evanston hospital after drinking a mixture of blue Powerade and Sprite in Sargent dining hall. Weinberg student Kyle Denton was eating lunch with his friends when they pressured him into drinking a cup of Blue Lightning, which is the street name for the dangerous concoction. Witness reports claim that he took a sip of the mixture (two-thirds Powerade and one-third Sprite) and almost immediately collapsed on the floor. Dining hall workers called an
Area Student Beginning Winter Hobby of Watching Rich Students Call Ubers Everywhere
“I give them bonus points if I can see both where the Uber picks them up and drops them off from one spot.”
Local Student Tries to Buy Juul, Accidentally Summons Zuul
“Look, how can you expect me to know the difference between a Juul and a Zuul? I’m a legacy, I never learned to spell.”
After Bachelor Season Opener More Male Tinder Profiles Boast “Virginity”
“To be honest, it is hard to remember what Underwood looked like,” stated Harper Cardinal, “but I do remember he was a virgin and that all of the women liked him a lot.”
Students from Midwest Itching to Act Unbothered Following First Major Snowfall
Floridian and Californian students are warned to be wary of who they complain around, lest a Midwestern student overhears and feels the need to correct their ignorance.
Bezos’s Soon-to-be Ex-Wife Gets Divorce Papers with Free 2-Day Prime Shipping
“This is childish even for him,” said MacKenzie, “he’s turned into the Monopoly Man except with stupid aviators and weirdly muscular arms.”
Morty Tired of Students Only Wanting Him for His Financial Aid
“I don’t understand how 8,000 undergrads can look at me and only see my ten-billion dollar endowment and multi-million annual salary. I’m, like, a really good listener!”
First Thanksgiving Without Grandma Goes Off Surprisingly Well
“Mom made the cranberry pie almost as well as Grandma used to, so by next year it won’t even be noticeable.”