Freshman Theater Major Scoped Out Only Love Interest Who Can Stand Him
“If she’ll stick around for Frozen, she’ll stick around for anything. She’s a keeper.”
Category Archives: Featured
CAPS Hands Out ‘A+’ Stickers to Dejected High School Valedictorians
“We at CAPS strive to affirm the appallingly fragile, extrinsically-fixed self-worth of our former best and brightest.”
Idiot Freshman Can’t Find Building
“I guess it’s early and I’m still finding my way around,” White said, as if that were actually a thing.
Prayers Go Out to Sorority Sister after Dad Doesn’t Fill her Bank Account in Time for Bar Crawl
A candlelight vigil is scheduled for this Wednesday to commemorate the tragedy.
“‘Perjury’ Is the Name of a Drinking Game,” Explains Kavanaugh
In an interview with ABC News today, Justice Brett Kavanaugh explained that the “Perjury” mentioned in his high school yearbook is a drinking game and not a felony.
World Cup Postponed After Ball Rolls Into Old Man Jenkins’ Yard
“No way I’m going over there,” Silva told reporters. “Old Man Jenkins is scary. He kills boys that sneak into his yard and cooks them into a stew.”
Area Senior Swears this Dillo is the Dillo He Finally Gets Laid
Cornelius will have an uphill battle ahead of him—that is, in addition to losing his virginity, he also has to talk to a female for the first time.
“Lol, More Like Dildo Day, Am I Right” says Local Loser in Attempt to Pick up Chicks
Local sources have reported that area freshman Barry Danovar reportedly said “Lol, more like Dildo Day, am I right” at a local party in an attempt to pick up chicks last night.
Meghan Markle to Attend Dillo to Shirk Royal Family Responsibilities
“The last time I was this stressed was when I got a terrible registration time for winter quarter of freshman year and found out the only open classes I could take were Orgo, EA, and EECS 211.”
ASG Rules That Morty Cannot Block Students on Canvas
“Morty floods our inboxes every day with notifications about yet another tuition hike and impassioned rants about why cats are better than dogs. Whenever a student objects, he immediately blocks them so that they can’t respond to his emails. Then, he goes onto their course pages and secretly changes the dates of all their midterms.”