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Construction Begins To Convert Tech Into Ski Slope

January 27, 2011 Michael Davis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – University president Morton Schapiro has revealed plans to build a gigantic indoor ski slope on the property currently occupied by the engineering school building. Known to students as “Tech,” the multi-billion-dollar facilities that make up the complex will be replaced by a snowy mountain resort for the students’ leisure. According to Schapiro, landscaping crews will make room for the winter-themed amusement park by relocating the Robert R. McCormick School for Engineering, the Ford Design Center, and the Northwestern

Brothel Rule to Have Little Effect on Actual Brothels

January 27, 2011 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

Senior Brothel Patron Rob Von Dud II In a recent legal brouhaha, the City of Evanston decided to begin enforcing an arcane “brothel law,” with Northwestern declining to contest the law and instead just taking it without complaint. The students, on the other hand, are far from satisfied, and have decided not to take it lying down. The law, which makes it illegal for more than three unrelated people to live together, will significantly increase rates as students race to

Three Off-Campus Residents Have Fourth Friend Who is Always Sleeping Over

January 26, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

“Sometimes it seems like he sleeps over every day.”

Northwestern Accepts all 30,000 Applicants, Awards No Aid to Increase Budget

January 17, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON – President Morton Schapiro announced Wednesday that the Admissions Office will not be printing out any rejection letters this year. Schapiro stated that the purpose of this decision was to “allow the benefits of Northwestern to reach as many students as possible.” His eyes then shiftily darted left-to-right several times, and numerous audience members swore that Schapiro said “Cha-ching!” Schapiro’s remarks were made in a joint press conference with University Director of Financial Aid, Carolyn Lindley. Lindley stated that

Class of 2014 Expelled to Make Room for Class of 2015

January 17, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

By no means can a Class of 2016 be allowed to apply, or we’re all fucked.

NUIT strives for an even more irritating CAESAR

January 12, 2011 Noah Rawitz Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After the release of the Inception last July, the hit film has become America’s most notorious mindfuck. Up until that point, Northwestern’s class-selecting service, CAESAR, held that title. NUIT admitted its defeat after the film hit the box office this summer. However, NUIT is not to be outdone. According to Todd Robertson, NUIT’s head technician, next year’s edition of CAESAR will not only be equally as confusing as Nolan’s film, but it will also make researching and registering for classes

Read more Articles, Entertainment, Local, No. 47

Lawyer Watches Future Trophy Wife Take Her First Steps

January 12, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

CHICAGO – At a special gathering reserved for close friends and family, Chicagoland fixture Jakob Steinberg (of high-powered law firm Steinberg, Steinberg, and Bergstein) was blessed with the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to watch his future trophy wife take her first steps. 10-month-old Sophie Czerwinska, the young lady in question, was reportedly enamored with the 46-year-old lawyer, who has been close friends with her father Victor since grade school and has been having an affair with Victor’s wife Elaine for the past

Girl Vomits on Phi Psi; Second Hate Crime of Halloween Eve

November 10, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In a shocking display of prejudice, Ashlee Jones, Delta Zeta sorority sister, threw up on the front steps of Phi Psi’s fraternity house Saturday night. Jones, who was dressed up as “sexy Big Bird,” consumed three Jello shots at Delta Upsilon, five Natty Lights at Pike, and one “something fucking delicious” at Lodge. “This was obviously an attack on Phi Psi. She didn’t get the alcohol from us. Her stomach contents were her metaphorical pen, hate her message,” said Phi Psi

SafeRide Prius Actually Transformer in Disguise

November 10, 2010 Alex Hampl Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Northwestern University officials announced in a statement Sunday night that one Prius in the school’s SafeRide fleet is actually a Transformer in disguise hiding from the evil lord Megatron. The Transformer, Tigerzord, was hiding on Earth after fleeing Cybertron, its home planet. Tigerzord failed to steal the mighty Allspark from Megatron, and thus was forced into hiding to avoid the wrathful robot’s ruthless minions Starscream, Bonecrusher, Frenzy and Brawl. Tigerzord was discovered when it mistakenly transformed while carrying several sorority