Floridian and Californian students are warned to be wary of who they complain around, lest a Midwestern student overhears and feels the need to correct their ignorance.
“I understand that boys will be boys, but nobody should have to endure the agony of a student a cappella show.”
“I don’t understand how 8,000 undergrads can look at me and only see my ten-billion dollar endowment and multi-million annual salary. I’m, like, a really good listener!”
“Mom made the cranberry pie almost as well as Grandma used to, so by next year it won’t even be noticeable.”
“I was jumping up and down, screaming for him to go back to his burrow.”
“I thought I was the only one on campus taking 150mg of Zoloft every morning,” said Michaels of her dosage.
“It just seemed right,” said Satan. “Even I was creeped out by the Locy basement—I was like, ‘wow, looks like someone beat me to it.’”
“Making Northwestern a safe place for incredibly rich shitheads is more or less part of our mission statement,” Schapiro said.
Smuthers initially agreed to comment on the story, but cancelled her interview with reporters upon hearing that The Flipside is not a marketing company.
Vestie and the rest of the faculty are currently working on a whole-brain engineered solution to the fact that a large portion of Northwestern students are not capable of healthy social interaction.