Dining Halls Excited to Serve Same Old Shit
“When Stephen Colbert walks into one of our dining halls, he needs the assurance that every single one of the $66,000 he pays to his son’s tuition is put to good use.”
Category Archives: Local
Area Hookup Really Thinks She’s Meeting the Parents This Weekend
Although he had never mentioned a relationship, May continued, “he’d give me signs. Like once he sent me two messages in a row.”
Freshman Showers Before Parents Weekend
“Yeah, my parents and siblings will be here, so I’m going to pretend not to be disgusting for a couple days,” said Sanders in an interview.
Area Mono Virus Hooks Up with Drunken Bloodstream
“As soon as enough ethanol started flowing between the platelets and macrophages, I figured it was only a matter of time before the two of them started swapping molecules.”
Area Student Lost Unmarked Keys with NU Lanyard Somewhere on Campus
As of Tuesday, there has been a single response to McBride’s post. Grace Lin’s “lol”.
Willie the Wildcat’s New Memoir, From Litter Box to Football Field, Sells 2 Million Copies
“I never wanted to be a mascot growing up. My dream was to move to an artist colony in Paris to pursue my passion of paw painting, but I got addicted to coke.”
Holy Food War Breaks Out Between Halal and Kosher Food Stations
“It was a nightmare. Scalding matzah ball soup blinded four and stab wounds from Iraqi kebabs took the lives of two Buddhist passersby. Also, the vegan table is now totally covered in Kosher brisket shrapnel. What am I supposed to eat now?”
Man Preps For Interview By Dousing Himself In 16 Different Colognes
Step 1? Education. Step 2? Cologne overdose. Step 3? Employment.
College Republicans Can’t Wait to Plan Next Year’s Offensive Guest Speaker
“As soon as we saw the angry Twitter posts and op-ed articles in The Daily Northwestern, we knew that our event was a major success.”