McCormick Student Gets Laid, Earning Honorary Doctorate
“Mr. Emerson’s heroic actions epitomize Whole-Brain Engineering.”
Category Archives: Local
Junior About to Miss Throwing Trash into Garbage Can: “Kobe!”
professional study group casters are saying this is Buchanan’s worst gaff yet since the botched “pull my finger” play in 2015
Morty Replaces Water in Water Fountains with Juice From Juicy Drop Pops
“Personally, I just enjoy it so much I figured the student body would appreciate it, too.”
Josh McKenzie Enters Odinsleep to Recharge for 2018 Wildcat Welcome
Northwestern prides itself on refining the most tantalizingly brutal method to this transition by giving freshmen an extended period of fun-filled programming, then immediately thrusting them into midterms.
Area Grandpa Silently Sleuthing Ethnicity of Granddaughter’s New Boyfriend
“When he greeted me, he had one of those Commie-French accents. Who the hell are they letting into our schools these days?”
Bobb to Release “Eau de Bobb” Luxury Fragrance
Local Bobb residents who were given a special look at the fragrance also speak to its exquisite indescribability
NU President Colluded with Russian Lit Professor on New Book
“Furthermore, we believe that Morson’s humanities agenda influenced most, if not all, of Schapiro’s economic positions outlined in the book.”
Sodexo Unveils Revolutionary New Dining Experience with ‘Plex South’
The location will scrap the popular live-cooking option in favor of an open fish tank, where diners can pick their meal using their bare hands and struggle for food-chain superiority over the gasping animal.
Morty Announces Plan for $80 Million Temple to Phaeraxys, Goddess of Construction
After falling asleep during a board meeting, Morty explained that the all-powerful deity appeared in a dream and commanded him to build the 5-story, 30,000-square-foot temple.
Students Rate Dining Hall Food Third Best Thing They’ve Eaten Today Behind Tears and Semen
“At least the first two come quickly.”