Area Freshman Weighs Nutritional Benefits of Cheez-Its vs. Cheese Nips
The freshman Economics major, who is looking for a low-sodium but flavor-filled cracker, hopes to start the school year off right with the ideal cheesy snack.
Category Archives: Local
Sophomore Already Emptied Block Meal Plan
Chen had indeed been spotted frequently in C-stores, as well as buying several swipes worth of food at Frontera on more than one occasion.
Off-Campus Student Misses Community of Shared Bathrooms
“There’s nothing like the bonding time you get when you’re third in line for your floor’s only shower”
Study: Your Ancestors Are Disappointed in You
Using ground penetrating radar, sensitive seismographic instruments, and a Ouija board, archivist Louis Diggs of the University of Your Hometown has confirmed that your ancestors are indeed rolling in their graves.
School of Comm Announces Passive Aggression Major
This past weekend, we received reports confirming that the School of Communication will be adding a new major for the 2015-2016 school year. For the first time, students will be able to major in Passive Aggression.
Uncovered: Local Illicit Magazine Delivery Service
To see a menu, which consists of one seasonal offering, new customers must supply referrals from two people already using the service.
Smart Dillo Only Gets 28 on ACT
According to initial estimates, this places Smart Dillo into the 58th percentile among armadillos nationwide.
Student Lists 19 Likely Places He Lost his Keys
The freshman disclosed that his keys and wallet could also be at the Hooters in Peoria; or in Tashkent, Uzbekistan; or in the third stall from the left in the Norris ground floor bathroom.
Student Decides to Sell Wristband A$AP
The student initially thought that Mayfest was using a code to announce the artist, and through conjecture had determined the artist to be featured was most likely to be Fergie or Lorde in a Trap.
Razor Scooter Epidemic Hits Northwestern
The infection soon spread all over campus, and latest reports indicate that up to fifty students could be afflicted.