Area Student Suspending Campaign for Girlfriend
Many analysts had speculated Embree would end his campaign after consistently polling in the low single digits among attractive girls on campus.
Category Archives: Articles
Area Virgin Grabs 19 Free Condoms
Losen has reported that since he asked a girl out for coffee on Valentine’s Day, he thought it was important that he was prepared for all possibilities.
Jerry Sandusky Fired from NUPD
“This is a man who undoubtedly committed a series of heinous, heinous crimes.”
UChicago Frats Deny Racism, Point to Black Neighbors
“Yeah. We’re totes coolio with the blacks.”
Chris Christie Drops Campaign, Picks up Sandwich
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently announced that he will be dropping his presidential campaign and picking up a sandwich.
Plex Held Valentine’s Settlers of Catan Tournament
Sources report that attendance at the event exceeded expectations.
Op Ed: All I Want For Valentine’s Day Is The Title IX Complaint Dismissed
I’ve learned that even the best of mentors or the most Peruvian of hallucinogens can’t necessarily help in a situation as dire as mine. Some storms must be weathered alone.
Freshman Breaks Arm Skating, Norris Ice Rink Not Safe Space
After paramedics arrived to whisk Carlson off to the hospital, Norris staff made the decision to shut down the rink indefinitely.
Trevor Siemian Shakes Keys at Panthers
Reports from the sidelines at Levi’s Stadium confirm that during the opening kickoff for Sunday’s Super Bowl 50, Trevor Siemian could be seen shaking his keys at the North Carolina Panthers fan base.
Quarterback Who Only Won Five Games Last Year Headed To Super Bowl 50
Many Northwestern fans have expressed their surprise that the man who recorded more interceptions per game than he did scores has a legitimate chance at earning a championship ring in his first professional season.