UGH. I just can’t believe we’re back already. It’s not even that I don’t want to do school work again, I mean I’m really excited to get to the nitty-gritty in “Gender Studies 205: Why it’s so Hard to be a Woman” and “History 307: A History of Every Repressed Culture in History.” It’s just that Northwestern is like SO, heteronormative.
EVANSTON — Lambda Omicron Lambdaâs newest sister Maggie Kelter announced Thursday that she is âlike totally in love with her new sisters.â After receiving her bid Tuesday night, Maggie fell into a state of hysterical joy and, along with a throng of strangers whose names she would pretend to know, began shrieking over the fact that she was now a sister of LOL. Accompanied by the rest of her new LOL sisters, Maggie marched to LOLâs chapter house to celebrate.
NEW YORK — Continuing the media frenzy over Lance Armstrong’s admission of doping, Piers Morgan invited the hosts of CBS This Morning to talk about their latest interview with Oprah Winfrey, whose recent interview of Lance Armstrong is set to air in a few days. “We were pretty well prepared going into the interview,” said Charlie Rose, one of the co-hosts of the morning news program, to Morgan. “We’ve read all the information out there available about the interview she’s
EVANSTON — Northwestern Media Studies professor Miles Head entered into a ten-minute-long series of conceptual segues last Tuesday while attempting to explain the syllabus to his âHistory of the Hyperlinkâ class. The first segue occurred as Professor Head wrapped up his discussion of the syllabusâs âAcademic Honestyâ section, referring to a ânetwork of scholarly communication.â He then told the class, âand speaking of networks, boy, do I have quite the in-class technology policy.â Students reported that at this moment the
COOPERSTOWN, NY — Last Wednesday, the Baseball Writers’ Association of America made history by voting in the first non-human inductee to the Hall of Fame. “Performance Enhancing Drugs” (PED) was the only candidate to receive the needed 75% of the vote, ushering it into baseball’s most hallowed ground. PED built an impressive resume in its decades-long stint in the MLB, accounting for over 90,000 home runs, 325,000 RBI’s, 800 âroid rage tantrums, and 500 shrunken testicles before being forced into
LIKE, EVANSTON — Freshman Jackie Parker like, really felt a connection with Lambda Lambda Lambda today. She doesnât know, like, call her crazy, but she could totally see herself being a Tri-Lamb. Donât get her wrong, like, she loved a few of the others, but she just felt an immediate bond with the girls there. And plus theyâre, like, super pretty. But please donât ask her about recruitment cause itâs sooo annoying and stressful and she just wants to talk
EVANSTON — With annual winter job and internship fairs approaching, many Northwestern students are crossing their fingers in hopes that their âsocial media skillsâ will be as highly sought-after as that one article they read on Forbes a month ago reported was a possibility. âIâm a social media expert,â said Weinberg junior Justin Thomas. âI am proficient in Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Tumblr, and now SnapChat.â According to a recent career services survey, over the past year many formerly undecided undergrads
LANSING, MI — Michigan recently passed controversial changes to the state’s Twerkerâs Rights Laws and has the rap video ho community up in arms. Right to Twerk is an initiative that allows rap video hos to be selected off the street without having to pass through a standard audition process. According to rap video ho extraordinaire Ivana Humpalot, famous for having the credit card swiped through her ass in Nellyâs âTip Drillâ video, âAuditions involve sleeping with a member of
VATICAN CITY — Pope Benedict XVI recently entered the Twitterverse with the twitter name @pontifex. The question remains: how did he choose this handle? The Flipside has received, from an anonymous papal butler, an exclusive list of the final candidates that didn’t quite make the cut. Here are 10 handles that the Pope unfortunately didn’t pick. Maybe they were already taken – the list did not specify, and we were too lazy to look it up ourselves. 1. @infallableoopsimeantinfallible 2.
By Wile E. Coyote As the premiere expert on falling off cliffs, I’d like to offer Americans some advice in these confusing times. I speak from the countless times I’ve fallen off a cliff in pursuit of happiness, which to me comes in the form of a tough game bird that would run around even when it is perfectly capable of flight. If your idea of happiness involves a balanced budget that reduces government deficit, written by congressmen who say