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With Family Weekend Looming, Students Clean Room for First Time

October 18, 2012 Matt Ferro Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Approximately one month after leaving home for the first time, dozens of underclassmen have been frantically cleaning their dorm rooms for the first time ever. During their first month of college, these students have been continuously lying to their parents about their cleanliness and organizational habits, saying that college forces them to be much more on top of things than they were back home. In an attempt to sell the lie to their parents when they come to

Romney and Obama Persist in Quest to Claim White Undecided Voter

October 17, 2012 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

HEMPSTEAD, NY – Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are no closer today than they were yesterday in catching the elusive Great White Undecided Voter. After releasing their nets and (de)baiting their fishing lines during Tuesday’s town hall meeting, neither candidate was able to harpoon their quarry and the polls have stayed static. Attention has been brought specifically to the White Undecided Voter because the other voters have already been hunted to extinction. According to marine-biologist-turned-political-pundit Richard Jackson, “President Obama has

Allison Hall Government Plans Big Changes, “No Longer a Party Dorm”

October 17, 2012 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Newly elected representatives of Allison’s Hall Government have vowed to eliminate the dorm’s dastardly culture of constant intoxicated debauchery. Social Chair Cam Speller stated, “Residents were tired of the way Allison was, two people drunkenly stumbling down a hallway at midnight, occasional noise past 10 PM… I ran on the promise to change that.” Residents agreed; Weinberg freshman Max Turning of the second floor commented, “We thought that having strict CSOs would solve this problem; unfortunately, Allison is

Professor Proposes Solution to Lengthy, Off-Topic Presidential Debates

October 17, 2012 Min Lee Leave a comment

ITHACA, NY – The moderators of the presidential debates have tried to keep the debates concise and focused to no avail. The candidates ramble, go off topic, and make personal attacks on each other. Despite changes in debate format, stricter moderators, and rules known beforehand and agreed to by both campaigns, the problem persists. Peter Paddock, an esteemed psychology professor at Cornell University, has an answer: water guns. He explains, “Say Mitt Romney was not talking about the issue being

Residential Hall Election Results Unofficial Until Jeb Bush Has Access to Them

October 16, 2012 Michael Guenzl Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Students across the Northwestern campus were stunned to find out that fairly-counted votes for student government positions would be re-counted by Jeb Bush in order to determine the real winners. “The Allison presidential position looked like a landslide victory,” admitted resident Brad Turner, a Weinberg freshman, “but it’s always good to have the trustworthy Jeb Bush re-count for us!” Other students, though, weren’t too thrilled with Bush being in charge of the re-count. “I just think he’s done

Area Guy Reminds People About Baseball Playoffs, Exorcised

October 15, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

LANSING, MI – In a month where NFL games, college football, and preseason basketball compete for the attention of autumn sports fans, area Guy Steve Parkson has reminded anyone who will listen to him that “baseball is still going on, guys.” “Dudes,” said Parkson, checking MLB scores on his smartphone as his Guy buddies drank beer at a local bar, whose TVs were showing Sports That Were Not Baseball, “the Cardinals just pulled ahead of the Nationals…it looks like they’re

World Strangely Disappointed by Felix Baumgartner’s Safe Landing

October 14, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

INNER CONSCIOUS, SOMEWHERE NEXT TO THE STOMACH — When Austrian Professional Skydiver Felix Baumgartner jumped off the helium balloon in an attempt to break several world records, the entire world watched carefully in a state of mixed emotions. For many, it was an experience that lead to the discovery of their own sick, terrifying minds. When Brad, a thoroughly average human being, first came across the link on Facebook he first thought, “Oh well, just another Red Bull publicity scheme,

Lisa’s Café Falls to Savagery Minutes Before Equivalency Points Renew

October 13, 2012 Eric Vanchieri Leave a comment

EVANSTON – On Saturday evening, excitement turned to panic as students realized that their unused equivalency points for the week simply would disappear at midnight. Fueled by the promise of “free” food, the “Weekly 14” students quickly began to funnel into Lisa’s Café. “I was in a state of shock more than anything. Seeing that wall of items ranging from chocolate Teddy Grahams to diet lemonade powder felt like seeing 40 of your children drowning, and only being able to

NU Chemistry Department Loses Accreditation for Serving Ethanol to Minors

October 12, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Following NU Student Affairs’s decision to disassociate with Chabad House due to clashes over university alcohol policy, Northwestern’s Chemistry department has been stripped of accreditation following reports that ethanol was served to minors during a recent lab. Department chair Elizabeth Locke protested the decision, claiming that providing disciples with ethanol has been a “central tenet” of chemistry for centuries. Although Locke does not deny the charges levied against her department, she has attempted to assure administrators and parents

Dining Hall Nutritional Labels Make Dieting Easy

October 11, 2012 Jing Cao Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Calorie-counting is difficult with foods that don’t come with nutritional labels. Fortunately, NU Cuisine makes the calorie information available to all Northwestern students, like WCAS freshman Ashley Eaton. She is determined to take full advantage of those labels to not only avoid gaining the freshman 15, but to lose it instead. “I’ve always wanted to lose the extra pounds and be the person I want to be in college,” Ashley explained. “And with all the healthy, low-calorie options