Articles | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: Articles

Freshman Uncomfortable to Find Condom in Care Package

October 10, 2012 Tyler Daswick One comment

EVANSTON – As McCormick freshman Hank Crowley tore open the first care package sent from his parents, he was surprised to find that, under the bags of candy and boxes of pastries that he had requested, lay a single, individually-wrapped Trojan condom. When pushed for comment on whether he was expecting the rubber contraceptive to be present among his Reese’s Pieces and Blueberry Pop Tarts, Crowley said, “It was a little weird, because you think if Mom and Dad were

Read more Local, No. 88

Northwestern Student Literally the Worst at Using Hyperbole

October 9, 2012 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Northwestern English professor Jane Stevens claims that her student Ronald Gold is, “and I am not exaggerating, the worst there has been and will ever be at using hyperbole.” She adds, “since the dawn of time, there has been nobody more terrible at anything than this kid is at using embellishment as a literary device.” Fellow classmate William King agrees. “If I had to use an analogy to capture my sentiment, I would say his use of hyperbole

Read more Local, No. 88

Mute Man Trapped in Plexiglas Box Mistaken for Street-Performing Mime

October 8, 2012 Zoe Pearl Leave a comment

CHICAGO – Workers Tuesday were painting a large mural on the side wall of a new apartment complex when a sudden gust of wind knocked a bucket of silver paint onto area mute man Nick Campbell, who was taking a casual afternoon stroll. The blinding mixture caused him to stumble into a large Plexiglas box, which promptly locked behind him. Campbell silently attempted to call for help and pushed his hands against all sides of the box in hopes of

Read more Local, No. 88

Campus Literally in Toilet After Debate Drinking Games

October 5, 2012 Matt Ferro Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The Northwestern custodial staff reported Friday that 85% of all toilets, including urinals, in Northwestern dormitories became clogged on Wednesday night between 8 and 11 PM. The rules for several Presidential debate drinking games had been circling around campus in the days prior to the debate. One group of drinkers reported the following guidelines: drinking if either candidate argues with the moderator, drinking if either candidate addresses his opponent in the third person, drinking if Obama falls asleep

Read more Local, No. 88

China Decrees All Sesame Street Episodes Must Include Chinese Lessons

October 4, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

BEIJING – Chinese officials were surprised to learn Thursday morning that their indirect funding of PBS grants them the power to determine the content of Sesame Street episodes. Mitt Romney alerted the world to this fact during Wednesday night’s presidential debate, when he promised, “I will eliminate all programs that don’t pass this test: is the program so critical it’s worth borrowing money from China to pay for it? I’m sorry, Jim, I’m going to stop the subsidy to PBS.

Study: World Really Fucking Depressing

September 28, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

EARTH – According to a recent report issued by scientific journals, current events periodicals, supermarket tabloids, internet bloggers, the Federal Reserve, and the US Department of Transportation, planet Earth is a really fucking depressing place to live. Drawing from a sample size of over 6 billion people, the report found corruption, narcissism, violence, and willful ignorance to be rampant without exception in every environment settled by human beings. Although these predispositions were only observed in approximately 23% of the global

Future Frat Star To Host “Rock the Beach” Pregame

September 21, 2012 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The future Rush Chair of Tappa Tappa Keg moved into Bobb this week and announced to his floor that he will be hosting the official “Rock the Beach” pregame of the dorm. Rock the Beach is a Wildcat Welcome Week event where new students get to hang out on Northwestern’s sandy shore and dance with people they barely know. They typically take many pictures to prove to their friends who have been in college for three weeks already

Small Town Freshmen Break Ice Too Awkwardly, Decide to Go Home

September 20, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The cutthroat Northwestern academic environment has already proved too high-stress for several members of the Class of 2016, who were sent home during Wildcat Welcome Week after several ill-conceived rounds of icebreakers. Tommy McNamara of Joplin City, Missouri, suffered a mental breakdown when he was only able to come up with two truths and no lie. “It was too weird. I guess it can be hard to come up with something under the gun like that, but still,

Northwestern Motto Gravely Puzzles Incoming Classics Major

September 17, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

ROCKFORD, IL – Julius Marder was deeply troubled Monday morning when he realized he didn’t know how to translate Northwestern’s motto, Quaecumque sunt vera. “I’ve taken AP Latin and placed into Latin 201-3 here,” said Marder, who will be moving onto campus Thursday with the rest of the Class of 2016. “But I don’t know what my new school’s motto means! It gave me a headache.” Marder first encountered Northwestern’s motto on a piece of promotional material mailed to him,

Great Job Building up College into an Unattainable Ideal!

September 13, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

Hey there! You remember me, right? I’m everyone’s favorite killjoy; the name’s Reality. … I can’t wait to chat with you about overbearing midterms, the disappointing social scene, and your crushing feelings of wasted potential. I’ll even try not to laugh.