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Police Surprised to Find Marijuana at Fraternity House

April 28, 2011 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Last week, police were stunned at what they found at a Northwestern fraternity house when they happened upon a bag of marijuana and two pieces of drug paraphernalia. Police entered the house when a “faulty” smoke detector went off. When asked about the situation Chief of Police Bill Carter said, he was “perplexed” by it all. He added, “It was just a normal day, I wrote the date, April 20th, in my ledger like any other. I did

A Somali Man to America: “Cheer Up!”

April 28, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

This article was written by Aden Daar, a Somali villager. I was rummaging through the town landfill this morning, looking for some food for today’s meal, when I came across a copy of last week’s New York Times. I saw an article describing how Americans were sad. It said something about rising gas prices, unemployment, a government in disagreement, etc etc etc etc etc. Let me tell you something, America. CHEER UP! Who am I, you might ask, to order

Read more Articles, No. 57, Opinion, World

Point-Counterpoint: The Royal Wedding

April 28, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

Why Do Brits Love Their Royal Family? By Andrew Schneider Seems I can’t take three steps these days without someone running their yap about the royal wedding. It could just be that I consider myself a true American, with apple pie in my gut and cholesterol in my veins, but I have a truly difficult time giving any sort of a flying fuck about this wedding. Hell, I can’t even stand weddings for people I know, but for whatever reason

Read more Articles, No. 57, Opinion, World

Exclusive Look at Japan: The Movie

April 28, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Who better to formulate characters, plot and emotional tension than beloved renaissance filmmaker Michael Bay?

Wide Receiver Brandon Marshall To Be Cut Twice

April 28, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

MIAMI – Star wide receiver Brandon Marshall may be cut twice in the span of a week. The first cut occurred seven days ago when his wife stabbed him in a domestic dispute. Several days after the incident, rumors began circulating that the Miami Dolphins would release him from the team. The move was quite unexpected considering how Marshall had been carving up the opposition last season. “The way he was knifing in between those safeties was downright impressive,” according

Bailey to Teach Introduction to the Unspeakably Obscene

April 28, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

The professor seeks “to open up a mature, academic dialogue about uncommon sexual practices . . . so blood-curdlingly unnatural they make Two Girls One Cup look like a Disney movie.”

Sex Week Paves Way for Abortion Month

April 20, 2011 Tom Shimandle Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Resident sexual deviance advocate J. Michael Bailey was very proud of the student body for touching itself all last week. “Really, I am just so proud that the students of Northwestern could focus a week of their school year on something that I have held so close to my heart for my entire life. It’s a wonder to hear about the young people learning and trying new things, like experimenting with flavored lubricants, studded collars and low-voltage tasers.”

Everyone’s Favorite Pokemon Trainer Elected as ASG Vice President

April 20, 2011 Jay Calhoun Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The Northwestern University student body recently elected Austin Young as 2011-12 President of the Associated Student Government (ASG). Young ostensibly garnered many votes because of his chosen running mate, the popular Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town. While Austin vocally supported policies including better communication between ASG members and the implementation of systems designed to make students’ voices heard, Ash ran on the platform of dissolving the Team Rocket fan club and allowing all students to select Pikachu as

Pacers More or Less Up 2-0 on Bulls

April 20, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

“If the NBA just added spirit points, I think we could be officially winning this series.”

NU Apologizes to Blind Students in Email

April 20, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A lawsuit was filed against Northwestern University last March by a group of blind students. The students claimed that the University was discriminating against blind students by using a Google email client that is not fully compatible with text-to-speech software. Last week, Northwestern administrators apologized to the blind students in an email sent out to the Students With Disabilities listserv. Below is the text of that email. from: uservices@northwestern.edu <uservices@northwestern.edu> to: SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu <SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu> date: Fri, Mar. 15, 2011