Northwestern Cancels Sex
âEveryone told me that I HAD to have sex before I left Northwestern. I was going to do it next year, but I guess Iâll have to wait now.â
Category Archives: Articles
Area Sorority Girl Hashtags EVERYTHING, #ugh
EVANSTON – In an attempt to have the snarkiest Twitter of all her sassy sisters, area sorority girl Kayla Kaplan has started hashtagging everything. âIt started with just small things that were actually trends like #SGP and #royalwedding. But then I thought, wait, my life is just as trendy as these tags, so Iâm going to turn my life into the trends,â Kaplan said. This Quad Deltâs recent tweets have included such masterpieces as: âSpring formal was so fun! #openbar
Dept. of Defense to Release Intel on Locating Pakistan
“‘Americans have the right to know how weâve been working to protect them, spending ten long years for Pakistanâs exact location,’ said Anton Brownstone, who has been charge of the search since the early years of the Bush administration. . . Brownstone explained that it was his team who finally found Pakistan ‘hiding’ slightly above the Indian subcontinent.”
Congress to Prosecute Preteen Babysitters for Tax Fraud
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress passed an unprecedented bill Thursday creating an investigative task force to oversee the nationâs second-largest underground industry: babysitting. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), who sponsored the bill, explained that the bill âwill not only provide an additional source of revenue for our nearly-broke government, but it will also send a message to Americans: you cannot get away with tax fraud!â The bill targets preteen and teenage babysitters, who every year collect billions of dollars of unreported income.
Schapiro Saves Tilted Kilt, Brothels
EVANSTON â âEvanston residents are at it again,â Northwestern President Morty Schapiro announced Wednesday. âThey are continuing to put their own petty desires ahead of the needs of Northwestern students.â The issue in question is whether the Tilted Kilt, a local Scottish-themed âHooters-esqueâ restaurant, should be granted a liquor license. Evanston residents sent city hall a resounding âNO,â having collected nearly 2,200 signatures on a petition showing their displeasure. Schapiro, however, swooped in and saved the day, using his ninja-like
Birthers Apologetic and Tolerant Following Obamaâs Disclosure of a Piece of Paper
WASHINGTON, DC- Following President Barack Obamaâs release of his long-form birth certificate, Birthers nation-wide were left stunned and reticent as any lingering doubts about Obamaâs legitimacy as their freely-elected leader were instantly banished, and ultra-right-wing leaders urged their constituents to engage elected officials in a polite, civil manner. Even adamant Birther Donald Trump ordered his supporters to âaccept that [Obama] is our rightfully elected leader, and all future disagreements must be handled through negotiation and compromise, not chaos and thinly-veiled
Bin Laden Dead at 54; Just One Week from Retirement
ââWhatâs the worst that could happen? One week from now Iâll be in Cabo working on my tan. I just feel I owe this department one more round of duty, you know?â
Weather Forces Happiness Club to Disband
EVANSTON â On April 22, members of Northwesternâs Happiness Club dissolved their organization due to the 34 degree weather. For some context, it was 78 at Emory, 84 at Rice, and 69 at Vanderbilt at the time the decision was made. Just saying. âIt just wasnât worth it anymore,â said former Happiness Club president Ben Ulman. âI donât even know if there is such a thing as happiness when it’s grayer outside than the area in the Protess situation.â The
Sorority Chapter Invites Kansas City Royals to Wedding-Watch Party
EVANSTON – Anticipation turned to confused embarrassment when the sisters of the Delta Delta Delta Delta sorority realized that the âroyalsâ they had invited to their “Royal Wedding-Watch Party OMG!!!!!” event were, in fact, the Kansas City Royals, the major league baseball team. âI was like, sooo excited when I heard we were watching the royal wedding at the house,â said Quad Delt sister Becca Silverstein, âcuz my boyfriend is from Kansas City and heâs always talking about the royals
Police Surprised to Find Marijuana at Fraternity House
EVANSTON – Last week, police were stunned at what they found at a Northwestern fraternity house when they happened upon a bag of marijuana and two pieces of drug paraphernalia. Police entered the house when a âfaultyâ smoke detector went off. When asked about the situation Chief of Police Bill Carter said, he was âperplexedâ by it all. He added, âIt was just a normal day, I wrote the date, April 20th, in my ledger like any other. I did